Harry Potter and the Clueless Gopher
by PhilipL
Summary: HPMany Post HBP. Isn't it just lovely when the main character in a story has no clue of how much he's altering the world? Parody. Very powerful Harry, but clueless till the end. HPNT main, but not yet. 300k estimate. Will never abandon. New Chapter 17.
1. Back to the Drive

**Harry Potter and the Clueless Gopher**

* * *

**AN:** Just to disappoint everybody out there, I doubt there will actually be a gopher in this story. Sad, I know. I thought I'd tell all of you before you actually start reading the story. I don't want a bunch of fan-girls attacking me in my sleep for the lack of gophers. Hm, where was I? Oh, yeah! You all know who owns the characters. If you don't, then I'd recommend you pick up one of JK Rowling's books, they are rather popular nowadays. I'd hate the first contact anybody has with Harry's world be something that spurted out of my mind.

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**Chapter 1**

Back to the Drive

* * *

By now he should be used to it. By now being back in Privet drive shouldn't get under his skin like that. Dumbledore had died. It was his wish for Harry to go back to a place he had never enjoyed calling home. Who was this scrawny kid to defy the wishes of a dead man?

Sure, he had grown over the last few years, but for his age he was still shorter than most. Being underfed for so long does take its toll on the body. He was not ugly; some actually found him attractive in a messy sort-of-way. Maybe it was his eyes, his mother's beautiful green eyes, constant reminders of the love that saved his life. Maybe it was true, something he had never wanted to believe. Did girls really dig lighting bolt scars?

Harry was snapped from his musings with the tap of a beak against his window. A fluff of feathers fluttered forward, failing to stop before the young wizard. The collision caused both parties to fall backwards and a dignified 'Hoot' to be heard from the other side of the room. Hedwig had never really warmed up to that excitable owl by the name of Pig.

"Hullo Pig" said the young man, giving the owl a treat from his pocket. Because it's not weird to carry owl treats in your pocket...

He took his letter from the owl and a smile crept onto his face before being shut down completely. Why did she write to him? Hadn't he been clear that he couldn't afford to be happy and have someone support him both physically and emotionally?

'I guess I'll have to send Ginny the memo again'

__

My dearest Ginny,

Though my heart beats only for you, I must remind you that I cannot be happy. It is part of the Harry Potter fan-code. You must wait a few chapters before I'll even give some thought to you. Seeing as you are writing six letters per day, I must assume you have not gotten the memo. Don't worry, I'll attach a copy with this letter. Send your family my love

Harry

With that done, he continued on his musings. Harry had only been in number 4 Privet Drive for a few days, and already he was tired of it. He hadn't slept well in the past couple of nights, having very realistic feeling dreams. In one all he had seen was a very bright light. It didn't have a place of origin, if anything it seemed to be emanating from him. The next night it was the same, just that this time it was even brighter. Was Voldermort trying to tap into his mind again? Was he asking too many questions to nobody in particular?

There wasn't anything else for him to do. He could read the newspaper, but that was rather depressing. He could study, but that was a waste of time seeing how he couldn't do anything practical. He could make fun of his cousin, but that was just too easy.

Harry smiled at the memory of Dudders reaching for his behind each time the young wizard oinked.

The next morning Harry woke up with cold sweat flowing freely. No longer haunted by bright lights, the dream had started rather innocent. He had been walking along the beach, watching the waves crash on the rocks bellow. He enjoyed the ocean, at least what he imagined it would look like seeing how he had never been close to seeing it first hand. On closer inspection, the rocks were actually whales, stranded on the beach. A large cry rang through the air; the whales seemed to be welcoming their death. Unable to take it any more, Harry fell to his knees and cried.

As he put his hands on the ground the earth began to shake below him. A large wave came roaring, washing all the whales away into the ocean. Relief lasted exactly 20 seconds, when the aftershock caused another wave to come crashing, this time taking Harry with it causing the teen to wake.

Never in his life had Harry experienced something so realistic. Even when he found himself inside of Riddle's mind, it was always abstract, as if he knew it was beside himself.

Freaking out could have been a proper term to describe this adolescent. No Dumbledore to ask, no parental figure to guide him, he needed to come up with the ideas on his own. After serious thought and hours of pondering the idea hit him like a ton of bricks.

"I shall make myself a smoothie"

It was early enough for the lazy bunch… I mean, the Dursley's to be asleep providing a clear coast for Harry down on the main floor. It was only noon during a weekday after all. Grabbing a mixture of fruits and vegetables, he pressed the 'blenderize' button, regretting it almost instantaneously. Sometimes, mind you, only sometimes, his conscience said something worth noting. Personally, I believe this was one of those cases.

'Good job idiot, wake up the whole bunch with as much noise as you can.'

The trampling sound of hippopotamuses coming down the stairs was expected. What was not was the fact that nobody had yelled… yet.

"BOY!"

I retract my previous statement.

"You have a lot of nerve waking me up this early on my day off. I ought to throw you out into the … Is that a smoothie?"

"Yes uncle Vernon"

"I am rather parched at the moment. Give it over!"

It was the last straw. 'How dare he? The abuse! The insanity! The smoothie!'

"No, make your own," Harry managed to say with the coolest and calmest of tones.

Flabbergasted, the half pork/half man didn't know what to do. After all those warnings from those freaks over the years, he knew that he couldn't actually do anything. He resorted to the dirtiest of tricks, one that he knew for sure the teen would not know how to react to.

"Please?"

Rolling his eyes, the youngster poured the smoothie into a tall glass and drank it very slowly, savoring it almost as much as the look of rage that kept building up on his uncle's face.

Once back in his room, a small smile crept on Harry's face, all previous worries gone. Maybe making the smoothie wasn't such a bad idea after all.

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**AN:** I don't expect a lot of reviews. But of course I'd like to point out that they are not only welcomed but required. You took the time to read this chapter, it will only take you a fraction to write something good or bad about it. Scratch the last part… It will only take you a fraction of time to write something good about it. Bad reviews take an insumra… inuma… a lot of time.

J/k though, review's are welcomed. Especially because the plan for this story is rather open, and I wouldn't mind throwing in Omake's at the end of the chapters with plot bunnies any of you might have.


	2. Freud's Nightmare

**AN:** Hm, interesting… did you guys know that a smoothie couldn't be chunky? Apparently so, at least that's what a friend told me cause if not it wouldn't be "smooth." If you are wondering where are all those amazing powers I promised, they are coming. I find it very hard to believe that a person can become all powerful overnight without, say… being dumped into a vat of toxic waste. And no, poor Harry has already suffered too much, I don't want him dying of cancer five years later. That being said, by the time my story is done I'll leave an open challenge for any other fan-fic Harry to a fight my Harry… after school behind the bleachers. And no, not the Gryffindor section because that's where Ron likes to take Hermione (or Luna, depending on your ship).

Where was I?

Oh yes, and that's why I should become the ruler of the world.

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Chapter 2

Freud's nightmare

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Normal teenage boys wake up with stained boxers (**AN:** I hate briefs) and goofy smiles on their faces. They don't wake up afraid for their lives. Their first words in the morning don't involve "I'll try harder Sahito-san." But then again, even this abnormal teenager wouldn't have said it had he known it had been a dream. Shaking himself awake, he searched for a little notebook with 'Hello Kitty' in front and his favorite pink ostrich quill.

'I gotta write some of it down before I forget. That's the third time I've had this dream. I wonder if maybe Voldermort is trying to lure me to do something again. Wouldn't put it past him, prick! ' 

_Dear diary,_

I know it's been a while since I wrote on you last, but I promise that I haven't cheated on you. Last night I had a dream that left me thinking. At least I think it was a dream, it was so real. I was in this little wooden house with very slanted roofs, and this Asian man kept talking to me in who knows what language. The weirdest part was… that I understood him. 

I had had that dream before, though different each time. The first night was very peaceful. It was a beautiful summer morning with lots of different aromas coming from the garden. Looking back I guess I was in Japan, which would explain all the stereotypes. Small garden surrounded by forests as far as the eye could see. Bonsai trees, an open type of environment and rice paper walls separating the building from the garden. I never ventured out the other side of the house, but water could be heard, so it wouldn't surprise me for a river to be close by.

The old man, who I learned was named Sahito, said it was about time I showed up. That was the first sign that it was a dream. I had never met the man before in my life. He proceeded to teach me how being at peace with one-self helped one gain knowledge about one's magic. I personally think that guy watched The Matrix too many times, otherwise he could have used the term I or my or something…

The second night I had the dream… it was even weirder. It felt as if I had been meeting with him for months if not years. Gaining peace with myself was not a question any more, he now wanted me to perform magic for him. Reaching for my wand, I noticed it wasn't in my pocket, where I always leave it. Mad Eye can eat my shorts for all I care, I like to have that long hard magic stick in my bum… pocket.

I am not gay.

He asked me why I was looking for something to center my magic when I had already learned to center it in myself. That made sense, so I proceeded to try to move my body as I would move my wand… Let me tell you, swish and flick makes a killer dance move, but not the desired results. I think he was mad at me, and it took me several tries, but in the end I was able to 'reparo' that priceless Ming vase with a couple of flicks of my hand.

Last night was brutal. The bastard, I mean Sahito-san, kept sending curse after curse at me, without even blinking, speaking, or even moving any part of his body. It wasn't a one sided duel though, spells kept flowing from me with just mere thoughts though not as quick as my teacher. The last ting he said to me was "You are not the only one who can turn into a car, remember that"

That's when I woke up.

It would be pretty cool to be able to control magic mentally, but not even Dumbledore could do that. It'd be happy being able to do magic at all, but I still have to wait three weeks. I promised myself that I wouldn't brood, so that's all for now diary.

Till I write again 

Harry waited until the ink dried and was soaked up by the parchment, leaving no trace anybody had ever written anything on it. Words began to form on the paper before disappearing again

_You are seriously mental._

Going down stairs, Harry noticed the pigs and the giraffe had already had their meal. To be precise by the amount of dishes stacked up on the sink, they'd had eaten all the contents that were within the fridge. Leave it to them to eat everything just so that Harry would go hungry. To add agony to injury, a note was on the table telling him that he had neglected his chores for too long and that the dishes and lawn were waiting for him.

Grabbing the first dish and scrubbing it, Harry reminisces of his world. It's not that people were lazy in the magical world, they just were more practical. All he'd have to do would b cast one scourgify and all the dishes would be done, cast a couple cutting hexes here and there and the lawn would be perfect. Sighing, and deciding that over thinking things would only make the work take longer he went to grab the next dish only to notice that it was already clean. In fact all the dishes were clean and nicely stacked too.

'I must have spaced out for longer than I thought'

Going to the back shed to look for the lawn mower, he was amazed when he saw that the grass was freshly mowed. Shrugging and chalking it up as one for the home team, Harry decided that since he was planning on spending the day out working on the yard why not just take a walk. Following no real direction Harry walked deep in thought. There were 5 horocruxes left, one of which was an unknown factor. If destroying one had caused his old headmaster to have such an adverse reaction, the teen couldn't help wince at his chances. 

His feet led him through an alleyway, one that his cousin just happened to be vandalizing with his cronies. Heavy weight champion indeed, one punch from his cousin would knock him out cleanly. Who needed wands when you could take care of your opponents with your bare hands? Thinking it would be best to avoid them, Harry turned around tracing his footsteps from where he came.

"Hey Harry, is it true what your cousin says? Is it true that you finally learned how to count to ten in your school for the retarded?" Piers provoked.

"Nah, I think he's still stuck on nine," chided Gordon.

Dudley kept his mouth shut, but the damage was already done. Without turning around a very mad Harry muttered 'fuck off' and continued on his way. The gang of boys didn't know what hit them as all their bodies twitched, waves of pleasure rolling over them. Harry just couldn't understand why they had never given him half a chance, or at least left him alone. Slowly but surely his thoughts returned to more important matters and his anger faded as he returned home.

* * *

The next morning Harry woke up with a giant… grin on his face. Reaching for his diary and trusted pink ostrich quill, he began writing a new entry.

_Dear diary_

At last I had a normal dream. Granted, I woke up more tired than when I went to sleep, but for all intents and purposes I had a Very good night's sleep. I dreamt I was admitted into a professional cheerleading team somewhere in America. I'd prefer not being a cowgirl, but apparently the cowboys were the team they cheered for, not the sex of the cheerleaders.

After warming up, we rehearsed choreographies that most of the girls already knew. It can be rather confusing, with all those lunges, high v's, broken t's, and high kicks, but it was fun. So many female bodies twisting and turning just the right way…

My favorite part of course was when we hit the showers, but after so many hours of exercise I couldn't even make a move on any of the girls. I did get an eyeful, so not all is lost. I hope I have this dream more often.

Till I write again

As the writing disappeared only one word reappeared this time.

_Perv_

Stowing his diary under the loose floor board under his bed, Harry went and took a shower. A cold shower. Once downstairs, he made himself a six egg omelet with tatters and sausages, accompanied by 4 pieces of toast and a tall glass of orange juice. He would have made himself a smoothie but uncle Vermin locked the blender inside a brand new safe.

Once breakfast was done, he went out for a walk again. He was tired of living in that house. It might be his home but he wouldn't stay there more than he had to. His feet led him through and out of his neighborhood. Harry hadn't noticed how far he had walked until he saw that he was in front of a very old building. In front of it a sign read _Gilford County School_

'That's that old all girls prep school that my aunt keeps mentioning' Harry mused. 'The one she wants to scout. Proper girls for Dudders' the teen snorted.

As he continued walking, he noticed a bunch of girls gathered up in one of the fields. They were all very peppy and excitable, from the amount of squeaks that rang through the air. Harry approached them wondering what they were doing.

"Ready? Ok! Everybody to positions now," he heard a jaw dropping blonde girl about his age say. She was gorgeous. Petite figure, beautiful long sandy blonde hair pulled up into a pony tail, beautiful blue eyes, and a smile to die for.

Before he knew it, all the girls were moving as one, performing dance moves that still were fresh in his mind from last night's dream. Seeing something that didn't quite look right, he gasped and cried to the girls. 

"STOP!"

All the girls stopped dead in their tracks and looked up at the newcomer.

"Who do you think you are telling us to stop? Isn't it enough to be enjoying the show?" the same blonde he heard earlier told him throwing daggers from her beautiful pools of wate… I mean eyes.

"Were you or were you not about to perform a stunt?" Harry asked.

The girl eyed him and said straight out "Yeah, a liberty for now. Maybe later, after more practice, turn it into a heel stretch."

"Where is the spot?" Harry asked

The girl turned around and noticed one of the girls was missing. Her jaw dropped and looked at the boy with a look that provided him with the answer.

"I know that you could possibly get into the position without the need of the spot. It's hard but not impossible, but what about the dismount? Without the spot there, someone is bound to get hurt" Harry smiled. "Good thing I was here, huh?"

"Are you a cheerleader?" the girl asked him.

"No, to be truthful I don't know anything about cheering."

The girl took the comment as sarcasm. "Would you like to fill in for her until she comes back?"

(**AN:** Ok, for those of you who know anything about cheerleading, the obvious answer would be "YES!" For those of you who don't, I'll explain it in layman's terms. The position he is being asked to sub for is the back spot. His job will consist of putting one of his hands on the-most-beautiful-girl-he-has-ever-seen's butt and the other on her calf. To top it all off, he is supposed to mildly grope as he helps push her onto the stunt. The groping part is not a necessity but it does happen quite often in order to be able to have a bit more balance while lifting.)

With a glint in his eyes, Harry of course said "Sure."

He joined in the full practice, as the other girl didn't return until the practice was over. Apparently she had the biggest urge to leave right before the stunt was to be performed without knowing why. She tried to excuse herself but the rest of the girls didn't budge. She was kicked out of the squad, and a semi permanent position was offered to Harry until a replacement could be found.

"See you tomorrow Harry?" the blonde said with a glint in her eyes. He was rather cute and cared about cheerleading beyond the skimpy outfits and seductive moves, quite the catch. Besides, he had big hands and big feet.

"Bright and early Lizzie"

The squad would meet 5 days a week during the summer to get a head start on the rest of the squads across the British Isles. They would win the cheerleading tournament this year and qualify to compete in America if Elizabeth had anything to say about it.

* * *

The next morning Harry woke before the rise of the sun. 

_Dear Diary_

I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I'm got dreaming of girls in skimpy outfits anymore, seeing how I get to see that while I'm awake. Last night's dream was very fun though, so I thought I'd write about it.

Last night I followed Migun, a Russian mKGB agent through the streets of Moscow. At first he seemed very alert and asked me to create a reverse-tracing charm, to find out who was following us. When I was unable to comply, he showed me that it was basically the same movements of a tracing charm, just performed backwards. The hardest part was to aim it on your self.

With the charm out of the way, I placed my wand back into my holster. Suddenly I began feeling watched. The feeling passed quickly and then information formed in my mind. I knew who had been tracking me. The weirdest part was that the man had been dead for almost three weeks now. The man who now resided six feet under the white tomb had been powerful indeed, to cast such a powerful charm that wouldn't diminish after his death.

After I told my companion who had cast the spell on me, he sighed of relief. The night was still young and there was much to do. He muttered a couple of charms under his breath and not only did he become completely silent but also, had I not been looking at him as he cast the spells, I wouldn't have been able to know where he was. I repeated his words and motions, forgetting that my wand wasn't in my hand. I felt as if I was slowly being covered with a very thin layer of warm sand. Must be an advanced form of a disillusionment charm, for when I passed a mirror I couldn't see myself.

I asked my companion why I could see him now and he answered with a smirk. It was because he "wanted me to."

That productive night we gathered a lot of information about the current mob bosses. I learned much about how to bypass, destroy, and recreate wards, how to use my senses to see beyond what my eyes showed, how to mask my magical signature to that of someone else, and how to hide it all together. The most important thing I was told that night was that "A spy is only good as long as nobody knows he's a spy."

That left me thinking after I woke up. Snape had been a spy, but way too many people had known he was one. That should have been the first sign that he was a double agent, but enough about depressing thoughts.

Till I write again.

The ink disappeared and no answer came from the diary.

'Weird, must remember to re-spell it with a stronger cheekiness spell once I'm back at Hogwarts'

The adventurous dream had given Harry a few ideas of what to do that day. He might not be able to cast any of the spells, and doubtfully he'd have to check for any wards, but he still had his invisibility cloak. There is nothing wrong with a teenager spying in a girl's locker room.

A large breakfast, a hard workout, and a rewarding peeping tom experience made Harry a very happy young man that night. Exhausted he approached his bed to find a letter on it.

_Dear Mr. Potter,_

It has come to our attention that the ministry has become aware that one Sirius Black has died. They are making inquiries here at the bank about you, seeing how he named you his heir last year.

To be truthful, we don't trust them much with the way they are carrying about business. Worry not, we have not provided them with any information as of now. The ministry has its ways to bend our arms, sort-of-speak, so we thought it would be best to tell you what they have been inquiring before anything happens.

They do not seem to care about any of your assets, the representatives that have come here have only persistently tried to assess how much fluidity you have with us at the moment. We shall try to keep you up to date on that. 

Best regards,

Springlot

Asst. Mngr. Wizard Interrelations

That worried Harry, but only slightly. It didn't matter if the ministry knew he was stinking rich, did it? Changing for bed, he closed his eyes and fell asleep almost instantly. Those girls really had worn him out.

* * *

When Harry opened his eyes, he noticed he was in the middle of a smooth white cobble stone street. The buildings that were lined on either side seemed to be of the most antique of designs, looking more like what the Parthenon had once been than anything else, but they were of such pristine condition that there was little doubt in Harry's mind that they could be older than 5 years. Everybody seemed to be walking around wearing tunics, with sashes and ropes as accessories. Women were walking with their chests bare, supported only underneath by their tunics but that didn't seem to be bothering anybody. If anything, Harry was the only one that really stood out completely.

Harry sighed.

Even in his dreams he wasn't normal.

Murmurs followed Harry as nobody seemed to take their eyes off of him. A man with a bronze breast plate came galloping on a white Arabian, halting right in front of our favorite wizard.

"Young lord, the elders are assembling and are waiting for you at the senate"

Harry followed the soldier, taking notices of the sights as he walked. It seemed to be noon, but no trace of the sun could be found. To be more precise, no trace of clouds or where light came from could be seen. A very deep shade of blue colored the skies, and it seemed to be moving and swaying.

Another thing that peeked his interest was the lack of doors in the houses. There didn't seem to be any sense of privacy. There seemed to be stores everywhere, but nobody seemed to be paying for what they got. Marx and Engel would be in utopia here. 

As they got to the center of the city, Harry noticed that the senate was very different from what he expected it to be. It looked more like an old Greek theater than anything. Completely open, anybody could have come in and listened to their leaders debate. Harry was certainly warming up to this place, that's for sure (and no, not **just** because of the sheer amount of boobies). 

"Welcome young lord, we are glad to have heard your call" a very old man with short crystal white hair expressed. There were probably 20 old men and women there, and for the amusement of Harry, not a single one of the men had a beard.

"My call? I am not sure what you are talking about, would you mind clarifying thing s a bit?" Harry asked, trying to seem as proper as he could.

"Yes young sire, when you shook the earth and returned the whales into the ocean, we heard your heart calling. Not specifically for us, but calling for something we deeply believe in" old man number two stated, this one with a slight orange tint to his crystal white hair. 

"Justice and equality rang through your heart, so we knew the day had come to extend an invitation. We have been away for far too long and maybe with your help we shall be able to resurface again" old man number three piped in, this one with his hair made out of golden strands of the same translucent tresses.

"My name is Raiel. I am what most consider the leader here in Atlantis… 

cough 'Except once a month when we give her a leave of absence. She can be brutal while pmsing.' cough

Harry hear a mumble in between coughs, and tried to stifle a laugh.

"As I was saying, we extended this invitation for you here today because we wish to build a bridge between our world and yours. As a token, for now take this amulet" the lady extended to him her hand, from which a beautifully crafted little amulet hung. He took it and wrapped it around his neck. The amulet glowed and became warm before it was slowly absorbed by his skin. Harry would have panicked if the amulet didn't feel so warm and benign.

"The amulet will be a part of you as you will be one of us. We have been saving that little trinket for ages mind you, till one we deemed worthy could receive it. All of our knowledge and culture is imbedded in it, you see? Our laws, our way of life, our magic and trades, all of it resides within you now. It goes to show that we made the right choice too because only one pure of spirit could assimilate with it. The amulet will for ever reside right next to your heart as long as it keeps on beating."

"It may take a while for your mind to be able to process everything that your heart tells you, and it is nearing your time to go. Know that we will be here awaiting your return young sire. You bring us great hope"

Before he could say anything in return, he woke up. This last dream was beyond anything that had happened in the past. Something was up, and he didn't know what. He reached for his chest, where his heart was, but couldn't feel anything different. Why should he? It was all a dream after all. Wasn't it?

Forgoing the diary, Harry hurried downstairs, made himself the usual breakfast and left for practice. The day was beautiful out, and Harry appreciated more than ever the way the wind blew and the clouds moved. Even if it had only been a dream, he had missed the sun. He began to understand why the people at Atlantis would want to reclaim their position above the ocean.

He had forgotten his invisibility cloak at home, but far too many things were on his mind at the moment. After practice, he hung back deep in thought and was approached by the stunning Lizzie.

"Did you want to talk about anything in particular cutie?" the girl said in the most flirtatious of tones.

"Ye… no, actually, not really" he said sighing. "Why can't life be simpler?"

"It is simple enough if you think about it. We live, we Live, and we die" she said with that cute smile of hers. "If we forget to live, then life has no real point to it, making even simpler. We all are bound to do something with our lives, but it is not those actions that we'll remember when we are old and wrinkly. I personally don't want to regret my life and plan to live each day as if it were my last."

The last words hit Harry like a slap on the face. That is what he wanted more than anything. He missed Ginny and his friends. He hadn't been fair to her, but he knew she wouldn't give up so easily. Would she mind sharing him with this cute blonde in front of him? Probably, not that it would matter anyway. Right now they were not a couple, and as much as his heart ached for her…

He had no excuse…

His heart ached for Ginny and he knew that she missed him too.

"You have a girl, don't you?" she asked leaving a stunned Harry nodding and wondering if Lizzie was a witch capable of legimency. "It's not surprising. I've only known you for two days and I can already see myself falling for you. She's a lucky gal Harry. If you ever… you know… if things don't work out between you two, give me a call." That last bit must have been rehearsed because she slipped a piece of paper in his hand and left for the locker room.

* * *

**AN:**Thanks for the three review's and I'm sorry for cutting the last dream out of this chapter. I was reviewing my story plan and decided it would be best to leave for the next chapter.

Review if you'd like, I personally would prefer it cause not only does it give me a sense of accomplishment, it also helps me adjust my writing.

**Omake:**

It was another damp cold night inside of Voldermort's hide out. One of his least liked but most trusted death eaters kissing the hem of his robes.

"Wormtail… Knock knock" the evil man slithered. 

Afraid for his life the puny rat-man asked "Who's there?" 

"You know…" his master said, smirking.

"You know who?"

"Exactly! CRUCIO!"

Peter realized after 20 minutes that he was being punished for wanting to be the back spot when his Dark Lord was the flyer.


	3. Pink Boxers

**AN:** Ok… I wish to present this before writing this chapter, mainly because I feel it should be said. Metamorphmagi are special. The same power needed to perform wandless or mental magic can be found in accidental magic. If Harry growing his hair had been a form of accidental magic, that means that Dumbledore (being able to do wandless magic) should be able to be considered as a metamorphmagi. The books though make Tonks a very special case, something unique. Therefore Harry growing his hair could not have been due to accidental magic. Many writers give Harry the metamorphmagi power because they think it would be cool for him to be able to change at will.

Out of all the powers I'm giving him, this is the one I truly believe he should be able to develop in the canon storyline. With that being said, I know JKR shut down that idea, therefore beware when going to a club. If a hot chick wants to get it on with you and a goat… it might just be Aberforth.

* * *

Chapter 3  
Pink Boxers

* * *

Vivid sex dreams.

Now he understood everything much better, but he still wondered why couldn't he have had at least one vivid sex dream. Frustrated, he reached for his trusted diary and p.o.q. (pink ostrich quill) and began writing.

_Dear Diary,_

I found out something last night while dreaming that still seems a bit hard to believe. Apparently all those weird dreams I've been having have not really been dreams. Granted, I suspected it so after the last one for I kept looking for any sign that an amulet had been absorbed by my skin, but now I have solid… if you could call it that… evidence.

Last night's dream started pretty normal. So there I was in the middle of India lying on top of a bed made of nails with a fakir. You know, usual dream stuff. I later learned he was named Joe… weird name for a fakir, but I digress. Everything normal so far. I feel no pain from the nails, apparently because I was correctly concentrating on the fact that pain was just a way the body spoke to you, telling you when something is wrong. If you know something is wrong you can make your brain send back that the message was received and the pain just numbs out until it disappears.

Oooh, oooh, one more thing about being able to control your mind like that is that… you can also tell your mind not to be accessed by outsiders. It's not a true form of legimency, for you are not actually clearing your mind. More like actively protecting it without the need of magic. It's sort of like being introspective. Mind over matter sort of thing. The good aspect of it is that it will block the strongest of legimens acting as a physical wall in between the attacker and your mind. With a bit of practice, I think I should be able to have the 'wall' up without having to actively think about it.

Back to how I found out it wasn't a dream. While Joe was trying to teach me how to get more in touch with myself, my mind, my body, my feelings, etc, he mentioned it shouldn't be so hard for me seeing how I had already learned how to astral aparate. My goofy unknowing face sent him into giggles and he proceeded to explain that astral aparation was very similar to astral projection, the main difference being that you actually can interact with wherever you are, be it with magic or physically.

Guess what else I learned?

I am a frigging metamorphmagi. I'm not kidding. Apparently I've always been able to do it but never thought of trying to change any of my features because I couldn't get rid of my scar. The scar, being magical, cannot be hidden with the metamorphosis but I learned that I could shift it. So bye bye scar, you shall for ever be hidden in my scalp under thick locks of black… orange, green, or even pink hair! I'm going to have so much fun with this.

Till I write again.

Closing his diary, he grabbed his trusted vanity mirror began making faces. First he tried to squint his eyes so that they would have an Asian look to them. Frustrated, he threw the mirror breaking it. Dejavu? 

'Ugh, Southern Chinese with a touch of Mongolian… and I wanted them to look as if I were from Honk Kong' Harry thought to himself frustrated. 'I might as well give up now.'

Going downstairs, Harry felt as his scar shifted from his forehead to underneath his thick black locks. Smiling the teen proceeded to make himself the usual breakfast. He was a bit behind today, so he would have to run to make it to practice on time. Worrying about not being able to get there, he was clearly focused on being next to Lizzie. Before he knew it, he felt as if he were being squished through a straw, effectively aparating right next to the hot chick.

Because apparating without a license is perfectly legal, especially for a person who doesn't quite know how, doesn't like doing so, and has a record with the ministry for doing magic for when he shouldn't. 

Having been in mid run, he was unable to stop himself before tumbling over the girl. Their lips inches away from each other, their bodies pressed hard, even the notion that Ginny even existed evaporated his mind. Slowly, a smile crept onto his face, which was reflected on hers.

"Sorry for being late" Harry managed to get out, with a husky tone of voice.

The poor girl was melting under his eyes. Something was different about him today. If yesterday she had the hots for him, there would be nothing he would ask of her today that she wouldn't do. Being a cheerleader as well as a gymnast… that gave Harry a lot of options. If only she could voice her desire. She just continued to stare at him goofily smiling. 

On the other side of this teenage sandwich, Harry didn't really feel like getting up either. His mind actually wondered if he could get even closer to her. That's when he heard a little cough, too reminiscent of a couple of years back, which snapped him back from Lalaland.

"We know you two would like nothing better than to get it on right here right now, but we have to practice" Cally, Liz's second in command, said. "If you are not too tired after practice, please be our guests. We might even stay and watch if that's what rocks your boat. Good thing Tammy brought all those bags of popcorn."

Blushing furiously, the two teens separated, without really taking their eyes from each other. As soon as the physical contact was gone though, Ginny re-entered Harry's thought process. Yet another weird fact for him to add to the list… 

Practice was fun. Apparently, Lizzie really wanted to show Harry how much she wanted him, shifting her weight each time he lifted her onto a lift so that his hands would… slip to more comfortable spots. Furiously blushing each time, they finished their training in no time. Time flies when you are having fun.

Lizzie stayed back slightly and once she and Harry were the only two left she ran to him, jumped, and wrapped both arms and legs around him effectively making him loose balance toppling over. She kissed him quite passionately before getting up and skipping to the locker rooms.

Girls are seriously mental.

"Lizzie," Harry called "I need to talk to you."

The girl stopped in her tracks, she didn't like that tone of voice.

"I would like nothing better than to have my way with you right now… popcorn or not. But I don't know how to feel. I still am very much hung up with this girl, and have known her for a very long time."

He sighed.

"Life has never been fair to me, and it wouldn't be fair to you if you were to think we might have some kind of a future. I just…"

She put her index finger on his lips. 

"Harry, I'm a tease. I don't want a 'future' or a relationship, I'm not that kind of girl" she said with a little glint in her eyes. "With that out of the way, how would your girl feel if I were to …" She whispered a VERY long sentence in his ear that made his ear burn and him blush terribly.

"Well, Ginny and I, we aren't exactly together at the moment. I was planning on changing that soon, but maybe I'll rethink juts how soon." He wiggled his brows with the last statement.

The rest of the afternoon was spent doing exactly what she had whispered, which involved a Twister board, a hand of bananas, whipped cream, scented candles, and a couple of disposable cameras. 'Take that prophecy, one got to live while the other survived.' Harry thought with a smile as he fell asleep in the comfort of his own bed that night.

* * *

Today was his first day off cheerleading. He liked spending time with the girls, lifting Lizzie up in the air, and spending time with the girls, but he had a dark wizard to vanish from the face of the earth. He had to train himself in the ancient arts which were beginning to become unlocked one by one in his mind. Yes, he had all the knowledge in the world, but he had no practical way of knowing when he did something right or something wrong…

'Kinda stupid to face one of the most evil and powerful dark lords of all time doing the spells for the first time and thinking you are going to win' Though Harry, glaring at the author. 'Hm, what should I start with? Oclumency is fine and all but I don't really need it, do I? the biggest fear Dumbledore had was that Voldermort would posses me, which he can't. Legimency would be fun, but I'll have to learn that after Oclumency.'

After some seriously deep thought, he decided that he would learn Origami. He still was under aged and couldn't do any magic that required his wand. The ancient art of paper folding used to actually be a form of magic, to this day still used in Atlantis. Not really practical, but at least it would help pass the time.

Several hours and countless pages of parchment later Harry found himself looking at his enchanted creations. Their appearance was obvious to that of being made out of paper, but at the same time they were extremely resistant to magic. On his bed rested a paper lion, with rather sharp teeth and claws, just resting there, awaiting for a command. On his bed side a bouquet of roses, more precisely death roses. The correct folds caused each razor sharp petal to be filled with a deadly toxin which basically caused a long and drawn out death. No antidote was known back in the day, and certain assassins would use the petals as throwing darts, picking them carefully one by one to the chant "He loves me… He loves me not…"

Among other things Harry now had an arsenal of weapons, shields, and armor. Granted, he would not be wearing the repellent of all curses, including the unforgivables, because he looked like a dork with that paper hat on. They might take his life, but they wouldn't take his pride.

As the day wore on, Harry became more and more determined to find out why exactly he missed Ginny so much. It wasn't like him. He had never been hung up with a girl like that. Yes, he had had the hots for Cho, but the thought of her didn't appear in his mind every waking moment. Something fishy was going on. The thought of Lizzie came to his mind, without really displacing the thought of the cute little red head. He wondered if they'd get along. (If any of the readers have been teenage boys at any point in your life, you know where those thoughts led, and to be truthful, just thinking about what Harry was thinking about makes me blush.)

His resolve to rid the world of Riddle drove happier thoughts away. How was he supposed to find the horocruxes? And once he found them, how was he supposed to destroy them? He had all the information in the universe about the most ancients of magic, but it was as useful as a library. He had to know what he was looking for in order to be able to research it.

The only information he had on horocruxes was on how to make them. Dumbledore had been wrong with his assessment, for they did not really split your soul. It was much much deeper than that. A horocrux was a complex binding spell, binding your soul to a plane of existence through an object or living thing. It did not mutilate your soul, it had to be kept whole for the spell to work. If your soul ever divided, then only a portion of you would die, and a portion would remain in this plane. Most poor souls that had that occur to them were driven to insanity within hours of it happening. They would get visions of the future and the past. It all depended on how much of your soul was divided, the smaller the piece, the less often the visions or sight.

Harry chuckled at the fact Hermione had been right and his years of studying Divination had been a waste of time.

Thinking about horocruxes, Harry just sighed noting that all the information about them showed that a horocrux could be easily destroyed. As soon as the object the horocrux was latched on to was destroyed, the connection would be severed and it would no longer be a horocrux. This meant that he'd have to find a new way of destroying each and every one of them. 

Good thing he wouldn't need to find another basilisk fang though.

* * *

Before he knew it Tuesday, July the 29th rolled around, two days before his birthday. Two days until he would finally be free. Two days until he could be an adult. Two days until he could leave that god forsaken place. Two days until he wouldn't be able to 'date' Ginny for a full year without it being considered rape.

'You win some, you loose some' Harry thought. Dreams had been sparse, but he had had one more the night before, fairly short one about how to make magical paintings. The modern way wasn't that different from the ancient way, only with a couple of big changes. The first one was that people had to enchant the painting with their wands in order for it to work in the modern way while the ancients did the enchanting with each stroke of the brush on the canvas. The second big difference was a derivation of the first. Since they had to enchant the canvas with the memories and way of being, each painting had a specific signature, for this reason the reason they could only do long trips between paintings of the same person or signature. The old way was a tad more intricate, but it let the portrayed be able to travel to any painting they desired as long as they knew exactly where the painting was, sort of like aparting but for a portrait. 

Harry spent about ten minutes wanting to see if he could do a painting the way he had dreamt about. Grabbing some of Dudley's old art supplies, that he had saved from the trash can once his cousin had gotten bored with painting, Harry drew on a piece of parchment a stick figure using very intricate strokes. Once he was done drawing, he held his breath for a second before testing his masterpiece. 

"Hello, do you work?" Harry said to his drawing. It didn't move. To be precise… absolutely nothing happened. Then, he saw its arm move slightly, twitching more than anything.

'Of course! It can't hear me if it doesn't have ears, and it can't speak without a mouth, and so forth.'

Applying himself a little bit more, he managed to draw a couple of bead-eyed pupils, a couple of lips, and ears worthy of an elephant or the current prince, Charles or something.

"Ok, now, do you work?" Harry wondered.

"Of course I work. Though I doubt I'll be able to move or see much seeing how the light is turned on so bright. You have no idea about anatomy, do you? I cannot move without muscles, and being bead-eyed all the time is going to make me blind before you know it. At least I have huge ears that will allow me to hear a frigging fly take a poop 10 miles away. Thank you so much for creating me" said a very sarcastic squeaky voice.

"Well, at least I got the sarcastic and whiny strokes right, I'm so sorry but in order to give you what you want I actually have to start over so… bye bye!"

Pouring ink and drawing an x on top of the stick figure, the parchment suddenly became hot and burst into flames, quickly burning down and not leaving a trace of ash behind. 

Spending the next few hours with the brush at hand striking the parchment with a bit more ease, Harry used up all the knowledge he had from the ancients about anatomy and how the body worked. He omitted a couple of things, of course, like the necessity to breath, eat, or drink. He also added known traits only found in metamorphmagus, hopping his painting would be able to resemble anyone he/she wanted.

"Ok, now let's see how this works. I take it that you work, but let's see how well" Harry voiced.

"I work rather well, if I may say so myself. I am but perfect, beautiful, and graceful, all rolled into one. Do stay there and stare at me, I rather enjoy the attention."

Harry frowned. Obviously some of his strokes had gone horribly wrong but he was to lazy to try again. The morning had become noon and it was now the beginning of the afternoon. He would not spend the day drawing. No matter how entertaining some people might think it, Harry just found it boring.

"Ok, please first of all tone down your ego, I know it will be hard, but… you sound too much like an old professor of mine. I want to know if you can change your appearance at will." 

"Of course I can, did you want me to look more like you when you drew me? I can see the resemblance. We are a couple of handsome young men aren't we?" said the drawing with a slight dreamy air to his rhetorical questions. "Is this better? I tried getting the messy mop hair down, but it was a bit hard, maybe with more practice."

"That's fine. You do need a name though. I cannot just keep calling you… you, now can I?" said Harry.

"I like Apollo" commented the very modest painting.

"Then Apollo it is, though I hope you don't mind I call you 'El Pollo Loco'. As another test, can you go to another painting as long as I tell you where it is? And if you can, can you go to any painting within the building where I tell you to go?"

"I most probably will be able to, being as amazing as I am, you kind of have to tell me where to go before I can try." 

"Ok, I want you to go to Hogwarts, Gryffindor Tower, the Fat Lady's portrait. Try to see if you can get into the old head master's portraits and try not to get noticed."

Ten minutes later, a smiling Harry re appeared on the sheet of parchment. The grin spread from ear to ear, hopefully meaning what Harry thought it did.

"I was able to go everywhere within that castle, and to be precise, I was able to find out all the passwords to every single door within the castle because of it. Apparently the passwords are magically engraved within the insides of the frames so that the passwords can be changed without having to utter it in front of others. Did you know that gargoyles, statues and suits of armor could also be visited by portrait paintings? Rather useful if you ask me. Aren't I the greatest?"

Mouth agape, Harry could only nod in agreement. This little drawing was proving to be more and more useful by the second. Too bad it was so conceited and self absorbed. 

"Do you mind being just out off the piece of parchment until I call on you? I want you to be within hearing distance, but so that people cannot see you if the piece of parchment is to fall into the wrong hands. A password should also be needed, any suggestions?" 

"How about 'Apollo is the most beautiful and wonderful painting in the world'?"

Rolling his eyes, Harry told the egomaniac "How about not? I was thinking along the lines of 'El Pollo Loco'."

"Good enough for me. Do you want me to go or do I have to stay? I have rather comfortable quarters within hearing distance."

"You can go, but leave a mark or something somewhere in the parchment so that I don't mistakenly use it for writing love letters or something."

Apollo left, leaving a red lighting bolt on the top right corner.

* * *

That night, Harry was using his new inner sight to get in touch with himself when he noticed a light pink aura around the walls of his room and a haze of mixing red, pink and blue around his bedroom window. Drawing up on his knowledge he recognized he was seeing the physical wards that were protecting his house and his window. The red was the most obvious, an unbreakable ward protecting from both magical and muggle forms of breaking into windows. The blue aura looked like an obscuring charm dependant on the pink aura. He couldn't recall from his thoughts what the light fading pink would signify, but recalling the fact Dumbledore said the blood connection with his mother was protecting him as long as he called this house his home it was easy to fair a guess pink that was the color of that ward.

Focusing hard on the pink, he noticed it not only encompassed his room but the whole house, though it seemed to be fading a bit. Without knowing what he was doing, he wished the wards were a bit stronger, focusing a bit more than he should have. The dwindling wards suddenly began to shrink, becoming denser but at the same time not being everywhere around the Dursley's property. 

Panic set in Harry's mind… he didn't know what he had done, but he did know that the wards were rapidly shrinking. Stopping the wards from disappearing all together by sheer willpower, the remaining wards hovered in the middle of his room appearing to be about the size of a quaffle. They looked solid now, bright neon pink, rival to Tonk's usual hair color.

Harry moved towards the floating ball and without thinking reached to grab it. It felt solid too. The teen sighed…

'Now what?' he thought to himself.

He grabbed the pink ball and moved to his bed. Handling the ball, he could feel it was made out of pure unadulterated love. Mishandling it, the ball slipped from his fingers and fell on the ground, where a pair of boxers he had used the night before laid. There was a bright light and the boxers turned the same bright shade of pink the ball had been. Harry lifted the boxers and recognized that it was the pair he had worn before the dream about the three cheerleaders. The white stains from before were now slightly glowing pink and it dawned on Harry what had happened.

The young man quickly proceeded to strip off the pants and boxers he was wearing at the moment leaving him completely naked on the bottom half of his body. A slight draft of wind from the window tickled his privates. The young man bent over and pulled on the stained boxers. He wondered why the writer had written this in such detail and then remembered that it being a fan fiction, the readers needed something that from time to time was called fan-service.

'Pervs' Harry thought to himself.

It wasn't blood what had protected him. Well, technically it was, but not from a scientific point of view. He just had to live where someone with similar or equal genetic material resided. He had heard about genetics on the tely while having to fan his aunt with a giant feather. The shrunken wards had fused with his underwear because of genetics, they met with the requirements. Now as long as he used those boxers and called them home, he would be protected by the blood wards. And if calculations were right, they had just been reestablished, so they would last at least 17 more years.

* * *

**Note:**I dedicate this chapter to me grandma, who passed away during the last week. She always loved to laugh and was quite the artist. May she rest in peace.

* * *

**AN:** By now most of you must understand what kind of story this is. Don't take it seriously and don't expect anything. I do have a couple of things I wish to point out at the moment.

First of all, the fact I believe Snape is gay. Not AU and not Canon, I just believe that he is a character secretly written to point out that fact. His robes willow at his wake and he walks like a model. In the second year he literally came out of the closet and dressed in drag. He stalked the prettiest boys in his school and became bitter when they didn't return the affection. I could keep going with this, but I'll let you be the judge. Instead of reviewing my story, just write a reason why you think Snape is gay. The one who comes up with the most screwed up way that I hadn't thought of will have a character written after them.

The second thing I'd like to point out is thanks for the reviews. If you think that I go off on a tangent too often, then you are right. I was walking the other day and I saw the sky was blue. Weird, huh?

**OMAKE**

"That looks like it hurts."

"That's Lizzie we are talking about, you know she's double jointed."

The two girls' eyes went wide and blushed terribly.

"Wow… just Wow" 

"Amen to that. He's got a lot of stamina doesn't he?"

"It doesn't hurt that he looks to be related to a horse or an elephant."

They both licked their lips simultaneously.

"I wonder if he does groups…"

"I hope he does…"

"Ok, you two, shut up and stop hogging the popcorn."


	4. Money Matters

**AN:** Don't you just hate when all the authors make Harry super duper ultra rich just because they want him to buy the super duper apartment complex trunk? I don't hate the rich part, what I do hate is the fact it's always the same. He inherits it. There are very few writers who have given money to Harry because of something he actually did. If you are going to make him rich, at least think of new ways of doing so, if not, he should remain the same or… My alternative

**

* * *

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Chapter 4

**Money Matters

* * *

**

'No!' The scared boy thought. 'It can't be.'

Dropping the letter on the floor, he dropped down to his knees. How could it have happened? Why did fate hate him so much? Picking up the letter again, he re-read it for the third time.

_Dear Mr. Potter._

_What we feared the most about the ministry's intentions has indeed become a reality. Their inquiries about how much gold you had and had been left by both Mr. Black and your parents were done with very devious reasoning behind it. You see, in the wizarding world when a person is convicted, the government is not responsible to pay for his/her stay in prison. As a matter of fact, people found guilty have to also pay for all the man hours that went into their own capture. Since your god father escaped, many man hours went into his search, experts were called to check every single inch of Azkaban for a failure within the wards, etc. Several of the experts had to receive therapy for their prolonged exposure to the foul creatures that guard the wizarding prison._

_I could keep on going and tell you where every single galleon was spent, but you will get a notice from the ministry soon enough informing you of the bill. It's not pretty. Once being one of the richest wizards in Great Britain, now you are in almost absolute ruin. The current balance in your account stands as follows:_

_2 Galleons 4 Sickles 1 Knut_

_This Letter serves a dual purpose though, so don't despair. Tomorrow is your birthday and as such you will be an adult. If you could swing around by the main branch in Diagon Alley, we'll make everything official._

_Best regards,_

_Springlot_

_Asst. Mngr. Wizard Interrelations_

As he finished reading it again, he heard a tapping by the window. A brown nondescript owl was there, with a letter in foot. Sighing and opening the window, he took the letter from the owl that quickly left.

_Mr. Harry Potter, _

_We are so very sorry for your loss of one Sirius Orion Black. You have our condolences._

_He, as you know was an escaped convict, and as such the burden of paying for his atrocities has fallen to you._

_To the family of one Peter Petigrew, 2.9 million galleons 2 sickles were paid from Mr. Black's account. Upon review, another 2.1 million galleons were taken from your account to compensate his poor mother further._

_For 379,204 man hours of aurors who were chasing after your godfather, guarding the public during his sentencing, took him to Azkaban prison, and chased after him for nearly four years (they kept looking for him after his death, not our fault you didn't report to us he was dead) 7,584,000 galleons 1 sickle 4 knuts were taken from your account._

_For the grub he received during his stay in our honorable prison, 2 galleons were taken from your account._

_For the 952 man hours of experts who had to check and repair the wards of the prison after your godfather managed to elude them, 10,300,001 galleons were taken from your account. Note: The experts rounded up to the nearest galleon, they didn't wish to be paid in knuts._

_For processing fees of the wizgamot, 300,000 Galleons were charged to your godfather's account._

_For the therapy the ward experts have had to and will ever have to receive, 23,400,000 galleons were taken from your account._

_For the millions of posters depicting your godfather's picture during his search after the escape, 30,000 galleons were taken from your account._

_For the graphical design artist who designed said poster, 20,000 galleons were taken from your account_

… Five pages later

_For the toilet paper used by the aurors during their potty breaks while searching for your godfather, 3,204,857 Galleons, 5 sickles, and 1 Knut were taken from your account._

_All together, we extracted from your/your godfather's account: 2,304,125,503 Galleons, a few knuts and sickles._

_Hope you have a good day,_

_Vase Penrusse_

_Head of Appropriation of Private Properties_

_Ministry of Magic_

Closing the piece of paper and placing it inside its nicely adorned Ministry of Magic envelope, Harry began to cry. He had been a billionaire. Richer than the Malfoy family, who he had heard were worth almost one billion galleons. He was now poorer than his best friend.

Did that mean that his dream of owning a house like the burrow would be too far off reality because he couldn't even afford to make a house as fine as that one?

Thankfully aurors get paid well, and he could always do what Gilderoy Lockhart did.

'What's the point of being famous if you are going to be broke and famous?' The young man shuddered. Yeah, he had said in the past he didn't care about money but now that he was slightly more mature (note, only slightly) he knew different. Having the money in the past had helped him not have any extra unnecessary worries. He hadn't had to worry about how he'd be able to buy supplies. He didn't have to own anything second hand other than his muggle clothes. Money had provided him freedom, freedom he didn't have any more.

Without wallowing in his sorrow for any longer, he left the house and went to practice.

Harry had been seeing Lizzie for a couple of weeks now, nothing serious, quite far from that, just purely sexual. It turned out that the blonde cheerleader was rather kinky and Harry's naivety had turned her on like a light switch. Now instead of his usual, he was eating a Portuguese breakfast in the locker room every morning.

"Not hungry this morning?" Elizabeth asked.

"No, not really, I just received a letter from the bank saying that with my godfather's death, I inherited his debts and as of this morning I'm flat broke."

"Oh, well, at least it's nothing serious. You are still young and can work. You'll make up what you lost in no time."

"Yeah… right, all together the government took about 10 billion pounds from my bank account."

The sound of a jaw hitting the floor is rather peculiar, what makes it more peculiar was that her neck was in her way seeing how she was on her back.

"Ten… Billion?"

"About that much, my family was very rich, but my godfather had many debts."

"How the hell do you go in debt for 10 billion pounds?"

"Toilet paper" Harry responded, a small smile forming in his mouth and then he broke out laughing. He wasn't laughing because it was funny or because he was happy. It was a hysterical laughter, often heard in crazy houses by people in straight jackets bouncing off the walls.

Lizzie laughed too, to blonde to really know the difference between the ways of laughing. That and she simply wanted Harry to finish his breakfast.

Practice proceeded much of the same, some times Harry slipping a bit with a bit from excess butter.

After practice he was too tired and his brain too much in thought to give any of the girls their regular full body massages with tropical smelling oils. He excused himself from practice the next day for personal reasons. More precisely, his exact words were: 'I gotta see a dog about a bone' which everybody knows what it means.

Walking home, he saw a homeless person with a sign that read: "Will work my magic for five pounds." Would he be this homeless person in a few years?

Harry got home, if he could call where he lived that, and went to his room. He took off all his clothes off slowly, except for the pair of pink stained boxers. The young man went to bed full of worries but comforted in the fact he still had Ginny.

'Where the hell did that come from?' He thought to himself before falling completely asleep

* * *

As the next morning arrived, the day found the young man already ready to face the music. Wearing his best clothes, he decided to forgo opening the letters and packages his friends had sent to him until later. The reasoning behind it was that he would need the letters to cheer himself up. Shrinking them, he put them in his pocket, a small ray of light shone through such a cloudy day. His first bit of magic done legally outside Hogwarts.

Waving his wand in the air the Knight Buss banged into presence, screeching to a halt in front of our young hero. Using the last of his reserve money to get to Diagon Alley, Harry wondered how he would get back to Number 4 with only one galleon. Going through the leaky cauldron and attracting more attention than ever, he decided it would be best if he tried again to change his appearance. Before he could say 'Hogwarts is a mad house for demented children' his unruly black hair turned pink, and he had a snout for a nose. Thinking it enough to fool people, Harry continued on his way.

Once he got to the bank, Harry saw a giant sign that read.

_Semi-annual draw to the Goblin Lottery today, buy your tickets at the nearest teller_

This caught Harry's interest only for a second, for just after he had read it he overheard a man saying.

"That has to be the biggest scam ever, nobody has hit the jackpot in over 600 years."

'Knowing my luck, I'd probably win it, not for the money but for the fact nobody else can. What's there to loose, it's not like I have that much money any way'

Walking to the nearest teller, he spoke "Hello, I'd like to buy a lottery ticket."

"One galleon please" Harry handed his last coin.

"Any numbers in particular? You get to pick five in between 1 and 100" asked the teller.

"Sure, 07 10 19 31 80" Said the once scarred young man. As soon as he got the ticket in his hand, all the lights started to flicker and all the tellers left their positions behind the counters, moving towards one of the back doors. Through the doors, the head of Gringots came out and announced the time had come for the lottery to commence.

A couple of young goblins came out carrying a very intricate transparent machine that had about 100 white glowing balls inside. With a flick of the head's fingers, the machine started to work, with the balls popping all over the place inside it. With a resounding Ding! the first ball came out and the snide voice of the head of Gringots resounded through the hall.

"Eighty"

'One number, everybody is bound to hit one number.'

Ding!

"Ten"

'Probably fate trying to make me get my hopes up'

Ding!

"Thirty one"

'Damn you fate, why are you being so cruel to me'

Ding!

"Seven"

'WHY! Why do you have to be so mean, you know that in goblin lottery you either get all the numbers or none'

Ding!

"Sixty one"

'I Knew it. All for nothing, bye bye galleon'

"I'm sorry" the head spoke "I read it upside down, nineteen. It appears we have a winner. The winner has 10 minutes to come and claim his price. If not it will be forfeited till next year's lottery draw. Have a good day."

A very surprised Harry Potter changed into his normal appearance without thinking. It took concentration to keep the metamorphmagus abilities working and… he couldn't think at the moment. He had hit the goblin jackpot, he wasn't poor any more. In fact, he was stinking rich.

"I WON!" he yelled. All the attention in the room turned from the assembled female goblins that were giving their rendition of the can-can to one very happy boy. The can-can girls started to move towards Harry and balloons and confetti appeared out of thin air. It was all overwhelming but Harry was used to this type of attention. He didn't particularly like when the dancers started to rub up on him, but everything else he was fine with.

"Congratulations Mr. Potter, if you'll follow me to my office we'll make everything legal."

"The invention of the Goblin lottery came about a few millennia ago" the head began to speak "Gringots had just started out and we needed a way to be able to provide security to people's money. The main purpose of the lottery was to keep Gringots vaults full. That way we'd be able to provide higher interest than our competitors and before you knew it, we were the establishment wizards trusted most with their money. Every goblin rebellion that happened in the past happened right around when someone won the lottery, for wizards didn't like the fact we lowered our interests. That is not a problem nowadays for we have branched into the muggle stock market and are doing rather well for ourselves, but we keep the lottery out of tradition. Since we have been able to make money on the side, the lottery price has become an account here at Gringots, receiving the same interest as any other account.

The main difference being that this account has not been touched since 1439, other than all the money from the incoming bets. It would be an understatement to say that you are the richest man in the world right now, and thankfully today is your birthday for any lottery ticket bought by someone not off age would be considered void. It is sad for us to part with our beloved gold, but I'm sure you are not too sad to receive it."

Harry simply nodded trying to take everything in.

"You need to sign here, and here… and here. There you go, that's it. Your approximate winnings range in the 900 billion galleons, translated to muggle currency, somewhere around 4.3 trillion pounds. Congratulations. Is that everything for you today or would you like to continue your banking?"

"Well, I received these two letters, one of them from you guys stating that I had to come to the bank today seeing that I was of age, do you know what they mean?" said Harry, handing the head the two letters. Nodding as he read them, the goblin broke out in laughter.

"You know, I was rather dejected when you took our beloved gold from my bank, but now I cannot help but laugh. If someone ever deserved to win it, it had to be you Mr. Potter. The government can be at times more treacherous when it comes to money than us, it's not fair some times. They are able to write laws to take people's money… we should be able to do that" said a very pouty head of Gringots.

Harry shook his head and waited for the head to continue.

"By the way, my name is The Head. Don't ask, my parents had a sick sense of humor, but at least the name fits now that I run the bank. Seeing how you are our largest account, I won't mind taking care of it myself. Let's see"

Snapping his fingers, two prim and pressed goblins appeared through the door. "Bring me the Potter/Black/Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff/Digestion file"

(**AN:** Seriously, by now nothing should surprise you guys, but if it did you need to read more fanfic)

"Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Digestion?" Asked a bewildered Harry

"Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are rather easy to explain, your great great great great… you get the point, grandmother on your father's side was the offspring of both Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw. Miss Ravenclaw was the eternal student and she convinced Miss Hufflepuff to be her guinea pig. A couple of charms and some potions later and one Rose Ravenpunff was born. Both women died old maids, never marrying so Miss Ravenpuff, latter Mrs. Dantly, became their sole heir.

"Your grandmother inherited all the properties and titles that came with being the descendant of the two Hogwarts founders. This includes controlling interest in Hogwarts itself and the right to appoint or chuck out any professors. I believe your father used this power once, getting rid of his potions teacher after he told James he wouldn't ever be able to make the draught of the living dead during his newts examination.

"As for the Digestion, that one is less known to the world and would be wise to keep it so. Mr. Digestion left it as a clause that none of his descendants would make it public. He thoroughly disliked his last name, dropping it at an early age, seeing how his parents decided to name him Merlin Digestion. You are his great great great great … on your mother's side of the family. Seeing how we still live by some archaic laws, the fact your mother is the only witch in her family meant that she inherited everything left by Mr. Digestion the moment of her parent's death."

Not knowing what else to say, Harry said the first word that crossed his mind "Cool"

"Indeed, the reason why your file contains all the names there is because each one of these ancestors had some titles of nobility that make their names eternal in our archives. Let's see now, you need to sign here, here … and here to accept all your titles, properties, and investments."

Harry scribbled his name and initials on several more pages, after his right arm got tired, he switched hands. Two hours later, he was done signing all the papers, permissions and contracts.

"By law, I'm obliged to inform you of every single one of your investments so I sincerely hope you didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's start with properties; you own 312 castles in England, 20 in Scotland and 3 more in Ireland. You own 5 castles in France including Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, two more in Germany, and one more in Bulgaria that just happens to be where Durmstrang Institute is currently located. You happen to also own a couple of palaces in Japan, one Fortress in Jacksonville Florida, and a temple in Mexico.

"As for houses, I'd recommend you get a good realtor for you have more houses than you could deal with. All together the final count comes to 5 mansions 3,531 houses, 62 buildings, and 52,406 apartments of which 39,277 are penthouses. These are located all over the world, at least one per country, except for Islandia.

"Other than the quiditch pitches found in the castles, you are also the proud owner of 30 others, 5 currently used by professional teams in England, 3 others used by professional teams in Germany and France.

"You have 30 percent ownership of St. Mungos and are sole owner of the land where the ministry is located.

"You also own every make and model of car and motorcycles, most in pristine undriven conditions seeing how one of the Potter men collected them. They can be found in the self expanding garage in the Potter ancestral mansion.

"With the titles of Lord Potter, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Digestion come 4 seats in the wizgamot and power to veto a new law for a period of 6 moths after which time a new law must be presented addressing the issues stated in the veto. You also have the power to call for a vote of no confidence within the ministry, from the lowest of janitors to the minister of magic and anyone in between.

"The titles also provide some freedoms and exceptions to a lot of laws, including that of underage magic. If you wish to file a nuisance against the government for having tried you for using magic out side of school in front of the fully assembled wizgamot, we'd be happy to find a solicitor to do it for you. I doubt you'd need the money but we'd be happy to make the government squirm some more for you.

"As for investments I must commend your parents for thinking of the future. They invested heavily in mutual funds as well as the muggle stock market. Their prime investments were in a few companies that were looking for startup money. Microsoft seems to be the one that has returned the highest profit, but their form of investment cannot be made cash for another 10 years.

"As for wizarding investments, we are happy to see you have followed your parent's foot steps investing in one of the highest growing companies in the world at the moment. WWW stock has been selling through the roof, though as you know, you own 33 of the shares.

"You have controlling assets in many of the companies in the wizarding world, but with death eaters' roaming around the only other thriving company that you are part owner is Moe's Trunks, conveniently located right next to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

"Some other companies that might spike your interest are the Nimbus/Firebolt inc. They merged last winter, very hush hush, but since you owned 30 percent of one and 20 percent of the other, you have now around 28 percent of the new company.

"One that is bound to make you smile is that of The Prophet. You own 10 percent of the wizarding newspaper, but that is larger than any other single owner. If you wished a story to be published or retracted, I doubt you'd meet too much resistance.

"You do not own any shares at Butterbeer inc. but your great great grandfather signed a contract stating that he and any of his descendants would have unlimited supplies from said company. This contract was signed by the sole owner of the company, making it a legitimate binding contract. As far as I know, your ancestor gave them the startup money to expand and make another factory in Scotland.

"That's it for assets and properties, now onto slaves and animals."

Harry raised an eyebrow but proceeded to listen.

"You are the proud owner of a harem. First established by Merlin, who was known in his day to be quite the horn dog and not the holly man that we know him as today, the harem is located in one of your mansions, the one in Egypt I believe. As the contracts state, one girl of 5 years of age must be presented to the harem at least every decade in payment for saving Egypt from a cataclysm. The girl then will be trained to serve the master if he should ever have the need. Once the girl turns to sixteen years of age, she is supposed to be old enough to be able to serve. Upon there not being a master, the women can do with their times as they please, without leaving the harem of course. Once the girl reaches the age of 45, she is deemed too old to serve and has to remain for at least one more decade to train the newcomer. After that decade is up, she may leave the Harem or remain if she pleases.

"Mr. Digestion left for them his old notes, rolls of parchment and books in order for them to be educated in the ways of the world. Nobody has exercised the right to claim the harem in near a millennium, and the trust that your great… you get the point… grandfather left makes it completely autonomous. Since it is a very good opportunity for poor people to provide their female offspring with a chance of a better life, around 12 girls are presented every decade. There are currently 42 women old enough to serve. Oh, one of the clauses state that the women must be 'drop dead gorgeous.' Those that do not meet the criteria are made to leave upon their 16th birthday.

"Any questions?"

A goofy smiling Harry shook his head no.

"Didn't think so, as for other slaves, you own the right to call upon your service the following families:

**Snape** – Life debt to your father, contracted through one Severus Snape  
**Weasley** – Life debt to you, contracted through one Ginevra Weasley  
**Diggory** – Life debt to you, contracted through one Cedric Diggory  
**Dumbledore** – Life debt to your grandfather, contracted through one Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore  
**Dominique** – Life debt to your great grand mother, contracted through one Gabrielle Dominique  
**Aubrey** – Life debt to your father, contracted through one Bertram Aubrey  
**Sykes** – Life debt to your mother, contracted through one Jocunda Sykes  
**Smith** – Life debt to your great great great grand father, Contracted through one Johnathan Zacharias Smith  
**Bonham** - Life debt to your great great great great great great great grandfather, contracted through one Mungo Bonham  
**Borage** - Life debt to Merlin, contracted through one Libatius Borage  
**Pettigrew** - Double life debt to you, contracted through one Peter Pettigrew  
**Malfoy** – Soul contract in exchange for gold and title, contracted through one Abraxas I. Malfoy age 18, 1639.  
**Riddle** – Blood contract in exchange for a body, contracted through one Tom M. Riddle age unknown, 1995.

"Life debts are fairly simple, those who have a life debt carry it throughout their lives and upon not repaying it when they die or when the one they owed dies, the debt is passed on to their offspring. Life debts can only be called upon once, but those debted cannot harm the ones they owe.

"Double life debts are basically the same, where one person is saved not once but twice from imminent death by the same person. Double life debts can be called upon as many times as they wish, during the remainder of the debtor's life or once if it is the offspring of the one who contracted such a debt. For both life debts not complying with a request will cause the magic within the person to explode, not only leaving his/her body but also causing the person to die a very agonizing death.

"Soul contracts give you control of the soul of the person who entered the contract as well as their offspring. If you wish to collect on your contract, the person must be either willing to return to you what he/she got from you, or give you their souls. Basically, if they are unable to repay you what they owe, you may strip their souls from their bodies pretty much like a dementor."

Harry made a face at this

"No, you don't have to kiss them"

The ex-scar head sighed with relief while many fan girls wailed in the background, waving their pro-slash banners proudly.

"A blood contract is the most powerful of all types of contracts, giving you almost completely control over the person who entered the contract as well as their offspring. You have complete control over their bodies, though it's been so long anybody has done it, I doubt you'll find any book or reference that would tell you how to activate it. A blood contract cannot be repaid, for ever making their line slave to yours."

"As for animals, you own a few magical and a few muggle Zoos' one dragon reserve and a Pegasus farm. That's all, finished… Finally!"

The Head drooped with exhaustion. Harry took this as a cue to gather the paperwork and get ready to leave.

"Oh, one more thing, you are going to need this" said The Head providing Harry with another key. "It's the key to your new vault. We've moved all the possessions that were within the other vaults to this one. Some furniture, some weapons, some rare books, you know, the usual."

Taking the key Harry nodded and said, "Thanks for everything today. I'll have to come back during business hours tomorrow to check the vault out. Do you think I could get a few galleons so that I can take a room at the Leaky Cauldron?"

"No problem, here you go." The old goblin said giving Harry a sack with no less than 500 galleons.

"We'll just take it from your account when you come in tomorrow, we know you are good for it" said The Head with a wink stifling a yawn.

"Have a very happy birthday Harry Potter and a very good night"

Harry left Gringots only to notice it was very dark outside. Walking quickly he noticed there was nobody else other than a few aurors here and there walking through the alley. Getting through the archway entrance, he walked inside the Leaky Cauldron to find it just as empty as Diagon Alley had been.

"Can I have a room for the night Tom?"

"Sure thing, I hope you don't mind I ask for the gold upfront, but there are too many free loafers nowadays, people who are scared to go home in the middle of the night but who don't have the cash to stay here" said the bartender.

"No worries Tom," said Harry giving him a few extra galleons, "that little extra is for your troubles and please, I don't want any disruptions while I sleep."

Placing the coins in his pockets Tom smiled and handed Harry the key to his best room. That night, the boy… no, now he was a man… went to sleep quite a bit happier than the night before.

* * *

Harry woke up the next morning refreshed and with a positive outlook on life. It almost seemed as if fate was rooting for him. Maybe it was just that the fan fiction author was just bored one day and decided to give poor little Harry his own great dream of riches and power beyond imagination.

'Nah!' Harry thought to himself 'Has to be fate.'

Having a moderately large breakfast, he left the leaky cauldron quite amused by the way the sun shined on his face. Nothing seemed to worry him. It was like he was walking on clouds. He didn't notice the dozens of dark marks hovering over once thriving businesses or the fact that people were running around screaming bloody murder.

'Life is good' the young man though. 'Life is very good indeed'

His feet carried him to Gringots, not noticing how narrowly some curses just passed by him. He of course was greeted by The Head as soon as he entered. The manager of all wizzarding money in England of course would have nothing better to do than to than to wait at hand and foot of a 17 year old who just made his bank loose great amounts of gold from the bank's private accounts.

"Good morning Mr. Potter, how are you today?"

"Quite well Heady, not to be disrespectful, but I know you are a busy man. I wouldn't mind if another goblin handled my account."

"Do you have anyone in particular?" asked the dejected goblin.

"Well, I only know a couple of goblins here, would Griphook be able to take care of my account?"

"Sure he would, though for handling your account he would need to be given a raise and a better position… hm, I think Manager of Rich Playboys would suffice, don't you?"

"Sounds good to me" said Harry, smiling.

The Head snapped his fingers three times, waited a second and then snapped them again twenty-four consecutive times. Out of nowhere, Griphook appeared. The head explained to Griphook his new position which basically made him the second most powerful goblin in the bank. After a short update, The Head excused himself leaving Griphook to take Harry to his vault.

"G… You don't mind if I call you G do you?" asked Harry without letting the poor goblin retort "I know that being my account manager can be quite boring, considering you have to wait on my hand and foot, but I'd like to propose a deal with you. Seeing how I have more money than my lineage could use up in 100 generations, I want you to take 1 percent of my fluent account and do with it whatever suits your fancy. I'm not giving you the money, it will still be mine, but you can invest it in any way you want to. From real estate in the South Pole to playing high risk day to day with different stocks in the market. You can even bet on any kind of sport you wish to, including on the horses. I don't want any investment to be over 2 million galleons, and no bet can be larger than 500 thousand galleons, but other than that you have free reigns."

The goblin formerly known as Griphook just smiled. This was the best day of his life. From being a cart driver, one of the lowest positions in the bank, he had been promoted to his dream job… professional gambler. He wouldn't have to go to the meetings any more.

'And they said it was an addiction' the goblin snorted and laughed inwardly.

When they got to the vault, which just happened to be vault number 27 for anybody who cares, they got past the six dragons, twenty sphinxes, and two killer toads before reaching the vault door. Inserting the key in the tiny hole, the whole wall began to move. Inside Harry saw that the vault entrance was a platform and there was even a diving board. Wondering what the diving board was for, he walked the plank and saw downwards. The platform was about 10 feet off the stacks of gold, from corner to corner the whole vault was filled and markings on the wall showed that he was only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

"Is the vault really 60 feet deep?" Asked Harry towards G.

"Of course it is. We were inspired by a muggle cartoon on the design of the inside of this vault, and even added a cushioning charm so that you could 'dive' on the money and it would feel as if you were swimming on water. It's experimental, but the testers seemed to enjoy themselves thoroughly. Why don't you try it?"

Harry gained enough courage and jumped head first from the diving board. G hadn't been kidding, it felt as if he were floating on water. Swimming towards the ladder, he had to spit a couple of galleons that managed to get inside his mouth. After climbing the ladder, he just smiled at G and nodded as if telling him to proceed with whatever was next.

"Right this way Mr. McDuck"

The goblin led him to the right of the platform, where a door magically appeared when they neared. Inside was a large study with shelves full of books and weapons on display. There was the odd suit of armor here and there. Granted, there were more books in this study than in the library of congress in Washington DC, but it still looked quite cozy. In the center, where Harry would have expected to find a dictionary, there were actually four books in one stand, placed side-by-side next to each other.

The first one was black, small, but stocky with an engraved 'P' in gold lettering with a caption underneath the monogram that read 'Family Magic'.

The second one was rather long and wide, but not so thick. Silver and green trimmings, it had a simple title that brought Harry resentful memories.

'The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black indeed" scoffed the young man.

The third book was of an indigo color and yellow fluffy trimmings. The title looked to be hand written with yellow gold. Harry was rather amused at Rowena's and Helga's sense of humor.

_Ravenpuff: Pass the douchie on the right hand side._

'Well, one of them was a herbologist after all' he thought to himself.

Harry expected since all the other books related to his ancestors that the last one would give him an insight into Merlin. He was highly disappointed when he read the title of the small paperback.

"I just hope 'Idiot wizard's guide: How to get laid with your house elf' was not Merlin's" Harry snorted. It would be amazingly funny if it had been, but it just seemed too modern. That did bring some other questions though. First of all, who had deemed it important enough to share the center podium with the books on his family's magic, and more importantly why oh why was this well worn book in one of his family vaults?

He was about to throw the book on a nearby trashcan when curiosity got the better of him. Opening the book, he saw scribbles of what seemed to be very bad shortwritting. Being able to make out a few of the words, he discovered that the book was indeed something more of what he had originally thought it would be. Merlin's personal diary and lab notebook cleverly disguised so that nobody could guess what it really was.

Harry took the four books and placed them in a straw bag that he saw on one corner. He'd have to go shopping later for something more adequate, and perhaps a couple more things.

The day was still young and there were many things the young killer-to-be had to do, exiting the vault, he saw that one of the dragons was looking at him directly in the eye.

-Farewell young master- he heard the thunderous voice of the dragon in his head.

Young Harry couldn't but do a double take, thinking he was imagining things. He looked at the dragon and quizzingly asked using parseltongue.

#Did you speak to me?#

No answer. Shrugging and continuing on his way he figured that he was imagining things, most probably due to brain damage he sustained at some point or another.

The smirking dragon watched as the dragon lord pulled away on the goblin cart.

* * *

The fight for Diagon Alley had ceased by the time Harry was done with his banking. He had gotten a couple of magical pouches where he could grab coins directly from his vault from G. The goblin had also given him three muggle credit cards (Visa, MasterCard, and American Express) as well as a wallet charmed to exchange any type of currency, magical or muggle. The last thing that G gave him was a small pin that Harry could wear with his clothing that signified his status as Esteemed Customer of Gringots. Having such a pin provided Harry with an automatic discount in all the stores in England, from 10 to 50 off.

Deciding what to get first, he just mindlessly walked around the battered down alley. He noticed that a lot of shadier looking stores had opened where the stores from years past had been. One caught his interest, because of his need for a new wand.

After entering, Harry noticed that this was not exactly the type of 'wand' he was looking for. The new store, "The Magic Wand" specialized in… customized wands for witches that play for the Harpies. As experimental as he might feel, this teenage wizard had no need self lubricating, self warming, and/or vibrating wands.

Without noticing, his feet took him right in front of Moe's Trunks. Going inside to check out the business he was part owner of one could say he was less than impressed. It looked as if it once had been a thriving business, for it had intricate detailed decorations such as wand carved vines on the crown molding and a very solid red wood hard wood floor. Despite the beauty of tiny details, it looked rundown, not well taken care of, and most importantly… empty. There were a couple trunks here and there, but not that much variety. One of the opened trunks even had a spider web with what seemed a small community of spiders, from young to old, taking refuge there. Looking around, he saw a batty old man behind the counter, sitting, and talking to himself. Harry approached him, and without any response he decided he'd better start the conversation.

"Good morning, I was wondering if you could help me with something" stated Harry

"Hello?" he asked again

"HELLO?" he said waving his hand in front of the old man's face and yelling at the top of his lungs

'How is this crazy aged man doing well in business?' wondered the wonder boy. That's when he heard the wizened wizard. He had been mumbling this whole time, but nothing as clear as this.

"Young people today, didn't I say that this morning Ernst? They have no patience whatsoever. Hurry, hurry, hurry, everywhere they go."

The old man reached on the counter for a pair of glasses, put them on and his jaw dropped.

"My-oh-my, I didn't think I would see you again. I thought you were dead young man. So you and your wife are fine?"

'Wife?' thought Harry 'Oh, he must think I'm my dad.'

"I don't have a wife, you must be thinking of my dad, who is in fact dead."

"Sorry to hear that young man, really sorry to hear that. And I had just finished his trunk for him when I heard the news… it's too late now. I guess it's yours now."

The old man went through the door behind the counter which happened to have a dangling curtain. (**AN:** The kind with the shiny beads. You know the type, those cool curtain doors that shine and sound all pretty when a bit of wind catches it or when someone goes through. I want one of those bead doors now… and I blame you, the readers, for making me want something I'll never be able to get wails). A lot of clanging of wood against metal and grunting noises later, a triumphant "Aha!" announced that the old man had found what he was looking for.

The old man came out carrying an intricate pink and electric orange trunk. It looked like something designed in the sixties or seventies. On the top it had a black flat circle, and on the sided a couple of very psychedelic green handles. Harry's parents had to have been hippies, he knew it…

"Here you go young sir. The total will be Forty seven million and one galleons. Your parents paid two million upfront, fifty eight and a half million upon completion, minus the discount you get for that pin you are wearing there, plus one galleon for storage fee for about 16 years."

Thinking that he would give all the money in his vault for something else that his parents had ordered or wanted, Harry had no problem giving the old man the money. This is where he missed the good old muggle system of paying with credit cards, checks or even bank notes. Saying the amount to his magic bag, he pulled within the 47 bags of one million galleons each, plus a single galleon. Handing it over to the shop owner, the old man opened the bags and began to count.

"One, two, tree, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...

"Three hundred and twenty five, three hundred and seventy five...

"Five hundred and ninety six thousand eight hundred and twenty five..."

Harry sighed

"What was that?" The old man asked "Gah! I lost my count... one, two, three…"

Harry fell over backwards, making a plopping sound on the hard wood floor

"Oh dear, I guess I could always take your word for it. Come on, wake up. Now you must know that your galleon is one of a kind. Over the years I've had young men like you purchase trunks so that they can have a room, a house, or maybe even a mansion for themselves. Somewhere they can keep away from the ministry knowing they are using underage magic. Your trunk though… is slightly larger. I was contacted and contracted to make it six years before you were born. On the seventh year, I rested, only doing the finishing touches. The trunk has two compartments. The first of course is your run of the mill trunk ever expanding compartment so that you can carry anything and everything in there. You access it using this key, turning it twice on the key hole. To open the second compartment, you need to place your hand in this flat black pad. It will take a sample of your blood making it accessible only to people who have the exact genetic information you do. Funny how muggles are finally beginning to understand what we've known for thousands of years no? The blood will fill the blood magic wards that will protect the trunk from anybody from damaging or opening the trunk. As a secondary check, the black pad will check your fingerprints and magic signature, this is more standard procedure.

"Inside this trunk, you'll find yourself in a parallel universe I've created where you can control everything. This parallel universe has a base planet that over the years I've called Moe Jr. In Moe Jr. you'll find at least two of every magical and non magical animal, plant, and mineral existent within the last century. There are even some creatures that are now considered extinct and even some rational creatures such as werewolves who volunteered to live inside the trunk to escape the effect the moon has on them. All humans you'll encounter within this trunk will be werewolves. As I said, you as the one powering the blood wards will have complete control over the universe. This includes of course weather, climate, number of suns and or moons in their different stages, and most useful of all, time. You can accelerate time, slow it down, leap forwards or go back. The only draw back is that you can only go back as far as when the wards were first charged. Here, take this handbook, it will explain everything better" said the old man giving Harry a book twice as thick as Hogwarts, A History.

Putting the book away in the first compartment, the old man keyed Harry into the wards and removed himself. He explained to Harry how to turn the anti-mater charms on and off, effectively making the trunk weightless, and how to shrink it with voice command. Sadly the password could not be changed for it would unravel all the magic that were built upon that foundation effectively destroying Moe Jr. and everything in it.

"Don't worry about it Moe, at least it could be worse" commented the younger man. "I got a lovely bunch of coconuts."

The trunk shrank and Harry placed it in his pocket. He said good bye to Moe left the shop. In the back of the manual, he read quietly as he exited, was a signed note, stating that until the trunk would be delivered, Moe's Trunks would be property of one James Potter and his fiancé Lilly (soon to be) Potter.

**

* * *

**

**AN:** Don't kill me, I had to. This is a parody after all, he has to be rich and he has to have the special trunk. The biggest difference being… He is richer than every single wizard and government in Europe, North America, and Asia combined, and his trunk is not an apartment but a frigging planet smirk I didn't include Africa because even though quite rich in minerals, magical animals and culture, they lack the money and. Australia and South America were also skipped cause they are stinking rich when it comes to the magical worlds. Europe is like a third world continent when it comes to magical communities, no wonder they keep getting "dark" wizards that try to take over every 30 years.

I had the shop keeper stacks of 50 coins at a time, so by the time he stopped only three hours had passed. If he had counted one coin at a time and counted all of them, it would have taken 1 year 5 months 28 days 58 minutes 53 seconds. I know it would have made my word count skyrocket, but… I doubt you guys wanted to read all those numbers.

Thanks for all the reviews, and now, its **OMAKE** time

Harry dove again into his vault when elevator music began playing in the background. He stopped swimming for a second to listen to the music.

_Life is like a hurricane here in London  
__Race brooms, aurors, dark lords- it's Potter fun  
__You might solve a mystery or rewrite history _

_Fan fiction, Oo-oo  
__Tales of derring-do, bad and good diction, oo-oo _

_D-d-d-danger, watch behind you - there's a stranger out to find you  
__What to do? Just read some more Fan fiction, oo-oo! __  
Not real fiction or non-fiction but Fan fiction, oo-oo! _

_When it seems they're headed for the final veil  
__Bold deduction never fails, that's for certain  
__The worst of messes become successes! _

_Fan fiction, Oo-oo  
__Tales of derring-do, bad and good diction, oo-oo  
__Not real fiction or non-fiction but Fan Fiction, oo-oo!_

'Weird' Harry though, 'but catchy'

"We write/borrow theme songs for all the major accounts of course" mentioned G noticing the intrigued look on Harry's face. "Though why the Malfoy's like Unchained Melody so much we have no idea."


	5. Shopping, Like Totally

**AN**: So you thought I was done with Diagon Alley? Not a chance. In most stories Harry does one quick trip and in one day is able to get absolutely everything. I don't know bout you but from what I have read cannon wise Harry is not the best at planning and it does take a long time to do the proper paperwork at banks. Don't worry though, no more Diagon for a while after this chapter. I'd like to thank the people who have reviewed so far and those who have added me to their fav's list. I dedicate this chapter to the lint in your belly buttons.

You dirty dirty people.

* * *

**Chapter Cinco**

**Shopping, like totally

* * *

**

After getting his trunk Harry decided that he might as well buy everything he needed and everything he had ever wanted. Making a mental checklist he walked towards the first shop. Twillfit and Tatting's was as upscale as you can get with clothing. It's widely known in the wizarding world that even though Madam Malkin did serve with the highest quality of service she could, it was nothing compared to Terese Tatting's service. As soon as he put one foot inside the store he was greeted by a gorgeous brunette, the kind of woman that would make any man stop, take a double look, and continue staring for thirty to forty five minutes. Her hips swayed to an unheard beat towards our once shy rich playboy, who just stood there at the threshold of her shop staring. The marble flooring and delicate ancient Greek deco was quite as breath taking as the owner. If he hadn't been hassled by a street peddler to buy invincibility amulets right outside the shop, he would have completely forgotten the state of things at the moment.

"Welcome to my humble shop" the goddess spoke while Harry gave her an odd look. Humble, yeah right. "I am Terese Tatting. How may I help you today?"

"I just won the goblin lottery and even though I had money before, I didn't see much point in spending it on myself for frugal reasons. But now I'm too rich to care so why not start with a whole new wardrobe."

Her eyes lit up and escorted Harry to a plump leather couch.

"Before we start, Coffee? Tea? Butter Beer? Me?" The last one she added with a wink.

"Tea will be fine for now."

She brought out a tray of fine porcelain china with a tea pot filled with a deliciously aromatic black English tea and a plate of lemon scones. The measuring went quite a bit slower than at Madam Malkin's but he finally understood why upscale wizards frequented this shop so much. The way her fingers seemed to linger just in the right spots made Harry a very… um… happy man. It was all very good and fun until Harry went into the changing room to try on his first set of robes. When he opened the door, he saw that there was a black robed white masked man standing in front of him. The startled men both simultaneously let out piercing girlish screams.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" said the ever eloquent Mr. Potter to which our enmascarado responded with "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh…"-pop-

It was obvious from the painful tone of his voice that the man had been screaming in pain, not just shock. The gruesome way he just vanished made Harry remember the times when he was learning how to apparate, and how the instructor had explained forced apparition to them. This poor masked man would not be seen or heard from again. A few years later, in the muggle world, he made his Hollywood debut while huddling with a bunch of penguins to keep warm. Sadly, many think he did not survive.

Terese came in rushing to see what all the commotion was about to find a very pale Harry panting slightly.

"You know, pranking customers into thinking that there are Death Eaters in their changing rooms is very advanced magic. Just be glad I can take a joke" Harry said, finally regaining some color and smiling his trillion dollar smile.

"De… De… Eater? Oh, yes, whatever you say Mr. Potter. Good joke" said the paling matron. "So, just going over what you ordered, you'd like one dress robe in each of the finest silks I have, the same for socks, three pimp hats purple, red, and yellow with their respective feathers. Two travel cloaks, an invisibility cloak and one with the ability to change color at will. A blow job. My latest line of fashionable casual robes for men, and a walking cane with a lighting bolt engraved on the handle. Am I missing anything?"

"I think that would be fine for now"

Paying the woman and stuffing his trunk Harry left the store. As soon as he exited, he noticed over the bazaar of street peddlers a store he hadn't seen before. Eye Caramba est. 1993 seemed reputable enough, so Harry decided to check it out. When he walked through the door, he was met with a very strong and excitable hand shake.

"Welcome to Eye Caramba. You are officially the first customer of this store, fifty percent off whatever you purchase here today, and I'll throw in a second pair of glasses for free."

"First customer? But the sign out there says it was established in 1993"

"My marketing research showed that people don't trust shops opening right now due to the amount of fakes going around. So I decided a little fib would appease those types of fears and allow more customers to come here. We just opened yesterday." Explained the thick rimmed twenty some year old excitable man.

"We carry a great variety of glasses, from the simple muggle prescription to more advanced glasses. Here is a list of the kinds of charms that can be performed on the glasses and what they do" said Mr. Caramba, shoving a small book onto Harry's chest.

"Enthusiastic much?" asked our young hero, raising an eyebrow.

"Just a tad" responded the young shop owner, grinning sheepishly.

After half an hour of reading Harry had finally decided what charms he wanted on his glasses. Starting off with unbreakable charms and runes on the frame to prevent from ever breaking, the lenses from becoming foggy, smudging, or getting wet would make these glasses very useful. He proceeded to ask for the specialty lenses that allowed seeing magic, through solid objects, and magnification at will. However, it was the last little bit of charm work that was the most impressive. By pressing on the bridge, a little title box appeared on the bottom of the lenses, kind of like a close captioning button. It allowed the user to look at any person and his/her name would appear on the little box. This could be turned off by pressing on the bridge again.

After paying the man and chucking his old glasses in the waste bucket Harry stored the second pair inside Moe Jr. and left the store.

'I got clothes and new glasses, but I still need trainers. I wonder why they call them trainers. It's not like they are personal trainers telling you to move your arse. They tend to be rather lazy and just wait until you move them.'

Harry was broken out of his musings by the sight of the store he was looking for.

_Foot Fetish_

'I doubt if wizards know what that means'

When Harry entered the store, he realized that yes, wizards did know what foot fetish means. Not only were there way too many stilettos for both witches and wizards, but there were also pictures of feet all over the place…

'I know wizarding pictures move but… why must there be so many wiggly toes?'

A tall fair slender wizard wearing a long black non-descript robe came walking towards him. Was his mind playing tricks or was the attendant actually swaying his hips. Harry shuddered.

"Welcome to Foot Fetish, what kind of stilettos do you want today?"

"Um, actually, none. I'm looking for some trainers, boots, flip flops, sandals, slippers, alpargatas, and dress shoes. No stilettos though."

The attendant pouted which just made Harry shudder again. "Fine, but you get our complimentary foot massage. And I'm not taking no for an answer mister."

If Harry hadn't known better, he would have guessed that wizards had finally learned the use of air conditioning during the summer. Being as hot as it was out… he shouldn't be shuddering so much. Yet, the last comment made him shudder again.

"First of all, take off those ugly shoes you are wearing, and let me look at your ten little piggies."

Shudder.

"Ooh, what beautiful feet you have"

Shudder.

"Mmmm, your toes are so tender."

Shudder.

"Do you mind if I use some warming massage oils?"

Shudder

"Are you sure you don't want nice stilettos like the ones I'm wearing? You don't have to wear the fishnet if you don't want to."

Shudder shudder shudder.

Harry had never felt so violated in his short life, and that's saying a lot. After he took down Voldermort, Harry would definitely have to rid the world of this man. As Harry strolled through the Alley though he had to hand it to the freak, he gave a mean foot massage.

'Clothes… Check. Glasses… Check. Shoes…' Shudder 'Check. New Watch… Not Check. Hm, I wonder if there is a wizard store for that or if I'll have to go out to muggle land.'

His answer was received by the sudden convenient appearance of a store right in front of him: _The House of Bling_. _Fo ya'll niggaz who do magic fo sho._

'Well, a good a place as any' thought Harry, entering the store.

Bling, bling and more bling everywhere. Harry was glad his glasses adjusted to the amount of light, if not he would have probably gone blind. Gold chains, bracelets, anklets, rings, fake teeth, grills, watches, and so much more shiny stuff. This place had it all including gangsta American muggle Hip-Hop blasting in the background and moving pictures of big bubbly bums bouncing freely. One thing did stand out of place. A perfectly manicured man, if Harry were to venture a guess, middle management muggle businessman stood behind the counter.

"Excuse me" asked Harry "Do you have any specialty watches?"

"Sure lil whitey we got all the bling to make you sparkle."

Harry had to do a double take. The words that were spilling rhythmically out of the businessman's mouth seemed to be more like those of an American rapper.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You know, bling, gold, shiny?" dropping the act, the man began talking in perfect British accent. "I should have listened to my brother opened the store over in LA"

"That's nice, I still need a watch though"

"Do you mind if I talk with my slang? I just don't get to practice it often enough"

…

"I don't mind in the slightest bit, just throw in some 'English' words from time to time so that I may follow"

Harry coughed, in a way that sounded extremely close to 'Poser'

"Aight, we got right dur sum of the shiznets watches round. Them indestructible biatches will continue giving the right time when yous shorties have great grand shorties."

Without wanting to, Harry ended up buying about 200,000 galleons worth of jewelry, including a necklace called "The Heart of the Ocean," whatever that may be. Harry liked it because it was big and sparkly. Of course, he bought a watch that could tell time in each different time zone at the same time, could stop, slow down, and even reverse time for up to 10 years. At this Harry noticed that the laws in the wizarding world were more like guidelines. People couldn't use time turners without them being regulated, but they could use watches that did the job better without having to go through the ministry.

Walking out of the store and back out into the alley, he walked past the travel agency. Harry was slightly amused when he saw a sign that read "50 off for anybody named Mr. Black." (AN Love your stories Rosh)

Happy with his bling, Harry moved on to the next stop: Dragonhide-r-us.

As he entered, the smell of leather impregnated his nostrils. Looking at the walls, he wondered if his childhood innocence was what had protected him from learning just how perverted wizards were. Whips, collars, and every type of accessory imaginable perched on the walls. The mere thought of any adult buying the buttock-less pants made him shudder yet again. Seriously, all of them would look ridiculously horrible, except maybe Tonks. He pondered on her wearing that tight little number for barely a second before the thought of Ginny popped back up in his mind. 'Ok, that's just getting plain creepy'

The shopkeeper, an older man with lots of body hair and a huge butter beer belly interrupted his thoughts. He was wearing a black leather cap, a black leather vest and a pair of black leather pants. The belt he was wearing seemed to be a snake eating its own tail and his boots were rather that of a biker. If the guy introduced himself as Bear, Harry would surely fall to the floor laughing.

"Hello there, if there's any way I could help you, just call on me. My name is Bear…"

-Plop-

Laughter

Harry stood up, apologizing to the man, telling him he had finally gotten a joke a friend had told him.

"Um, as I was saying, my name is Bear…"

-Plop-

Laughter

This time, Harry could barely keep his face straight as he apologized but they finally got to business. Harry got a whole wardrobe worth in dragon hide. He ordered some battle robes and protective equipment, knowing that his knack for getting into fights would increase dramatically in the near future. Harry also got a new pair of magically reinforced steel toe boots with Snape in mind. He even bought underwear made out of dragon hide; something he would later learn was a very stupid idea. (AN: Truly, anybody that has ever worn leather pants will agree with me on this one… Poor Harry Jr.)

By now Harry was getting tired of the shopping spree but he knew that he wasn't even close to done. As much as he liked Hedwig, his first friend, it was a selfish owl that had a sense of too much self importance. He felt he needed to go to a petshop and buy a pet that he felt bonded with, not one that was just given to him.

Seeing every animal at the menagerie and not feeling even the faintest of connections, he asked the patron if there were any other stores around that sold pets. The man directed Harry to a pet shop situated in Nocturn Alley. This store was quite different from the other one. Many eggs were on display, and baby animals that Harry didn't recognize. While looking around, he wondered why there was a perch with such a heavy coat hanging from it in the middle of summer. Upon touching it to feel the material, he panicked as the coat wrapped around him. Willing his magic to protect him, he felt the coat begging to drain him of this protective magic. Most worrisome of all, Harry felt as the coat began to imbue a cold magic into him that sent shivers through is body. His worries were appeased as the magic began to take a warm protective nature. The sentient coat connected with Harry on a level he didn't know was possible. Harry could feel the magical core of the creature, and he knew for sure it could feel his own. Even though he knew this black coat could have killed him, he felt safe with it on.

"Ah, I wondered if it would ever bond with someone. I take it you want to buy that lethifold?" A wizened old man asked.

"Um, I guess, though I was looking for a pet, not a coat."

"That is much more than a mere coat young man, lethifolds are not known to be pets, but that's basically because people are rather secretive when they have bonded with one. As his bonded, you can use the lethifold's abilities as long as you have him on you. Its skin is more impenetrable than the thickest of dragon hides and more repellant of magic too. Only one curse can be used against it, and no, it's not the Avada Kedavra. It is said to be cousins of the dementors though instead of feeding on your worst memories, it feeds on your dreams, be it good or bad. North American Witch doctors have for thousands of years used Lethifold leather to make what they call dream catchers to capture all your bad dreams or nightmares. There are quite a few other nice things about it, but I'll let you figure them out for yourself."

"I still am not sure I'd like a parasitic pet"

"It's not like you have a choice now, once the lethifold chooses it's bonded, it's for life. If you were to take it off for more than a month at a time, the lethifold would probably terminate your life by destroying your magical core. I'm sure you felt it as it touched your core, it knows your signature now." The old wizard smiled.

Sighing, Harry decided to get the Lethifold. When he was about to pay the absurd amount of galleons the shop keeper was charging him for the animal, he noticed out of the corner of his eye a gold and silver bird. Upon closer inspection, he noticed it was…

Gasp…

"You are selling a Phoenix?"

"It's an old phoenix, about to finally die, it couldn't live on its own any more, and I found it and took care of it. Fed her and whatnot. Contrary to popular belief, phoenixes are not eternal, their life spans are very long though. This one must be about twenty thousand years old."

"How much?"

Harry walked out of the store knowing his vault had just lost a small mound of galleons, but he thought it worth it. He felt weird walking around wearing his lethifold, he was more aware of his surroundings than ever before. Being in Nocturn Alley, he was not surprised at the amount of hidden, invisibility and notice-me-not charms, what he was surprised about was the fact he could tell where they were. The long black cloak gave him a sense of confidence he had never felt before while walking down the dreary dark alley. Hags and wizards moved out of his way, with fearful eyes. Thinking it was because his cloak was so cool, he moved on.

The bird cage had been placed inside Moe Jr. in a special reserve especially for phoenixes. Apparently Moe hadn't been too honest when stating that were two of each animal, for there was only one male phoenix inside his world. This grandiose creature looked in even worse shape than the one he had just purchased, his feathers made almost completely of silver. Well, at least they'd keep each other company.

Harry was broken out of his musings in front of a store that made him grin. Wizard Weaponry seemed to have all kinds of blades, shields, bows and other interesting weapons. As he entered, he was greeted by the tallest most muscular human he had ever met. This, of course, did not prepare him for the squeaky voice that came out of his mouth.

"Welcome to my store, buy something or I'll be forced to kill you" he said with a wink.

Harry was able to stifle his laughter at the thought of an overgrown Mickey Mouse threatening to take his life. The libraries of Atlantis had contained a lot of information about melee, and he knew he'd have to train his body in order to reach the level his knowledge showed him. He purchased a lot of nice things including a pair of magical gloves that upon though let sword blades spurt out of the knuckles in case he was ever disarmed, orthopedic shoe soles that allowed the user to have basic elemental control through his shoes (such as walking on water, surrounding his feet with fire without burning himself, walking on air, or pulverizing even the strongest metals). He also caught sight of a sword that seemed to be encrusted on a stone. Harry found it funny how theatrical the magical world was, especially when he pulled the sword out with ease. Harry wondered what enchantments were use to make the sword glow for a second and have a choir of women's voices sound for a few seconds in peaceful harmonic tones.

"How much for this sword?" Harry asked, not noticing the tower of a man bowing on the floor.

"I couldn't charge you for that sword my lord, for it is yours"

Harry smiled and swung the sword slightly testing the promotional material the shop keeper had just given to him. Business must be really down for a man to give up a sword in such a cliché way. Harry just shrugged knowing it would be stupid to refuse this gratuitous offer.

After paying for a bow and an ever replenishing quiver as well as for the rest of the things he had picked up, Harry stepped out of the store feeling more complete with his sword hanging by his side. He seriously looked like an imposing figure now, sending all the inhabitants of this dark alley scampering out of his way as he whistled to a song he had heard a long time ago.

'The people in Nocturn alley really must detest The Beatles.' Harry pondered

Entering Dark Books, Harry smiled remembering Sun Tzu's famed words. Though what did "Know thy toilet" have to do with anything, Harry would find out later for he was interrupted by the sight of the most beautiful girl he had seen in the past three hours.

"My, is that a sword in your pocket mister or are you just happy to meet me?" the soft melodic voice flowed through the air.

"Um, guilty, sword that is" he said pulling it out.

"Wow that is big and broad too"

Harry blushed a little as he saw a little dribble coming out of her mouth

"I try to keep it well polished" he lied, knowing he'd never have to polish it with the enchantments it contained.

(AN hope I satisfied all your dirty dirty minds, now on to the regular broadcasting)

The girl gasped as she recognized the sword, getting on her knees and bowing in front of Harry.

(AN ok, I'm really done now)

She just stayed on her knees in shock with her mouth open. Harry just looked at her with a clueless face, obviously not knowing what to do.

(AN um… ok… does anybody know how to perform a charm to get a thought out of the writer's head?)

Harry walked out of the book store with a huge smile on his face. He'd definitely know his toilet how, especially if he were to read all the books he had just purchased on his throne. He of course bought the Standard Dark Book of Spells series, 1-7, but also bought a few books on parseltongue. The most interesting looking one was written by a guy named Kabuto, simply titled "Orochimaru and his Big Snake"

As he passed in front of Borgin & Burkes, he decided to pay them a little visit. Looking through all the magical artifacts they carried. He noticed in a corner an armor that seemed to shine with a blue hue. Harry immediately recognized it as the armor that Tom Riddle had tried to purchase for them. Adding the goblin armor to his shopping cart, he continued looking at the different things they carried.

By the time he made it to the check out, he had quite a few items in his cart. A ring with a white stone and a red cross on it which Harry recognized as the symbol of Saint George, Tannhäuser's bracelet of virility and fertility, and a necklace made of iron said to have belonged to the first survivor of a Boabhan Sith.

Harry had had enough of the dreariness of the dark alley, and wondered out back into Diagon. He noticed that there was an auction house right next door to the famed goblin bank, and wondered what all the commotion was about. People were screaming, toppling each other to get in. Harry, being quite curios decided to find out for himself.

As he approached the store, people just seemed to get calm and bundling themselves up. Some were even shivering while one scrawny little man fainted. Shrugging, Harry continued walking as people seemed to just open a way for him to walk through.

"Chudley Cannon's witches and wizards, for 100,000 galleons, any other offers? Going once, going twice."

Thinking about it, Harry knew he had enough money to buy it. If anything, he could give them to Ron later as a present. He raised his hand just in time.

"101,000 Galleons"

"We have a new offer from the young wizard to my right, any…"

"150,000 Galleons"

"200,000 Galleons" replied Harry.

Looking, defeated, the man just shrugged and said "Fine, you take them, they aren't worth that much anyways"

"Going once, going twice, sold to the wizard to my right. Our next parcel is this newly born House elf. Being 2 weeks old, it should be able to start working for you within the month. A young house elf like this is a rare find, for they usually stay with their families, but circumstances brought it here, shall we start the bidding at 100 Galleons?"

"One thousand Galleons" said a seedy looking man. He appeared to be the embodiment of evil himself… well, not really, mainly because Voldermort kind of has that title already, but he looked really really bad. His eyes glinted and Harry knew that he wouldn't let the world have another house elf be treated like Dobby had.

"Ten thousand Galleons"

"Ten thousand galleons, any other offers for this fine house elf, it is so young you can even name it yourself. Going once. Going twice. Sold to the gentleman on my right."

That seemed to be the way the auction went on for the next hour, an object was presented and Harry would find a reason to outbid the others. He purchased a couple of stores and some factories as well as more stock on companies he already partially owned. He bought a few things just for kicks and giggles, such as a portrait of Merlin's second cousin twice removed.

Paying and signing where he needed to, Harry came out of the auction house. By this time Harry glanced at his watch and realized that it was getting quite late, yet he still had quite a few things to buy. Deciding to test his new watch, he went into an alcove in the alley and twisted a dial a couple of times, then pressed a button making the world around him to start spinning. When everything finally stopped, Harry was quite happy to see that the sun was quite high, where it was supposed to be. Realizing what he had done, he smacked himself on the forehead. People would expect Pavarti or any other of the bouncy gossipy girls to play around with the space time continuum for something as silly as shopping, but a boy? This would be something he would never ever tell anyone else about, unless he was piss drunk and whoever he was talking to was drunk as well.

Thinking about girls got little Harry wondering about other topics though. The libraries of the ancients might have been good and all, but they were a bunch of prudes. He made a bee-line to Flourish and Blott's and asked the attendant where he kept the Sex Education books. It did not surprise our young hero, not after seeing how perverted wizards were, that there was a whole section about twice as large as the regular store, upstairs, dedicated solely to sex. It did surprise him to have seen a few books on S&M by one F. Flitwick.

(AN All together now, all-together-now)

Shudder.

He of course bought it, but he managed to convince himself not to purchase S. Snape's "Lonely, getting to know your wand hand." Thinking about it a little more, Harry decided to buy it. Just in case he ever decided to give the Chudley Cannons to Ron, he'd of course have to wrap the papers properly and where better than in the middle of chapter 29 "Blisters and fixes."

Walking over to Scribbulus Everchanging Inks, Harry entered with two things in particular in mind. He needed a camera and wanted to get a radio. Upon entering the stationery store, another item though caught his sight.

"I see you don't have a tablet yet" A middle aged kind looking woman stated.

"A tablet?" Harry asked dumbly.

"Yup, a pretty nifty invention if you ask me. It is an enchanted piece of wood with a piece of parchment on top. It can store anything and everything you write on it as well as reproduce pieces of parchments out this slot right on top. The newest model has a spell checking charm that checks the spelling and grammar of what he has written. If you are into arithmancy you are going to just love the spell spell check, which allows you to check the root numbers that make up a spell. It even has this little paperclip, attached at the top right corner, which will give you helpful comments and make your writing experience so much easier."

"Ok, I'm sold, give me three of those" Harry said, one for himself, one for Hermione, and one for Ron, knowing that she would hate him if he didn't get one for her and he would be jealous if both of his friends had one and he didn't.

He also bough a small sleek somewhat spiffing silver magical camera and a wizard radio that could be tuned to muggle stations as well.

Even though his watch only said three in the afternoon, he was completely knackered. That would teach him to mess with time. He went back to the Leaky Cauldron, giving Tom a couple more galleons before going upstairs without eating anything. He was too tired for food. Remembering the letters and presents from his friends, he decided to open them. For some weird reason, he felt like opening Ginny's first had to be the right order.

It was a vial with a viscous substance and with it came a letter.

_Dear Harry_

_Do you miss me as much as I hope? Included is a vial of a potion I came across last year, the fotituras potion. It is a strengthening potion which should be able to help your body strengthen twice as fast with proper training. Its effect only lasts a month so I'll be sending you more of these vials during the summer. Love_

_Ginny_

Harry eyed the potion carefully. He had made the fortituras potion once in class and it was supposed to be a murkish brown color, not a deep red one. Deciding to not drink the potion was an easy decision, who'd want to be poisoned by a botched potion. He still was happy about Ginny's intentions, but knew she had never excelled at potions. The rest of the presents were rather common, not even worthy of proper mention. A few books about information he already knew, a few items he knew he'd never use, and some sweets he'd devour when he was able to keep his eyes open. Dropping on the bed without bothering to change, he fell asleep instantly.

* * *

**Author's Note**

Hm, I recently dwelled into my old encryption books and remembered an old way of encoding, so now I'll encode the word hi for you.

HI

H8

I9

89 LXXXIX in roman numerals

given the key for all fandom LFlaming X Sexual and I Homo, so from now on whenever you see someone saying "Hi Harry", you know deep down inside they are just calling our poor Mr. Potter a "Flaming Sexual Sexual Sexual Homosexual"

* * *

**Omake**

Voldermort walks into the room and sees a black hair, green eyed hunk standing just staring at him.

"Hi Harry"

The teen just smiled, winked and said in a very husky voice "Hi Tom"


	6. Cutting loose ends and moving on

**AN:** If you are happy and you know it, please review. If you are happy and you know it, please review. If you are happy and you know it and you really want to show it, if you are happy and you know it, please review.

* * *

**Chapter Sex**

**Cutting loose ends and moving on

* * *

**

The next morning Harry awoke quite early. He noted it weird for it to have been the first night in over six months where his real dreams didn't include Ginny. Astral apparition aside, she had been in all of his dreams for the past year. Shrugging and knowing he had a few hours before he'd need to check out, he decided to go through the purchases he had made the day before. Upon finding what he was looking for, he plopped down and began reading more information about the trunk.

Once he was finished with his basic skimming and reading of the manual, he decided to venture into the trunk. After entering, he cast a couple of command charms to make time not lapse in the outside while he visited the trunk.

On first glance everything looked so amazing. Harry imagined this is what Earth must have looked like millions of years ago, before mankind began to pollute and destroy everything in their path. Even though he had been in the trunk once before, he hadn't had time to actually stop and smell the flowers, which were rather abundant. Perfect weather conditions for every type of vegetation. Such planning must have taken ages to create. Perfectly balanced eco-systems where there were predators and prey could live out their lives as they had prior to being inside the trunk.

Feeling slightly worried for his aged pet, Harry decided to venture into the phoenix reserve. Upon arrival he noticed that both regal animals were cuddling up against each other, as if trying to provide one another with warmth. One of them looked up to see who the intruder was, and sent out a thrill that sent waves of joy through Harry's heart. The more the bird sung, the more Harry seemed to understand what it was singing about. It had resigned herself to her final death, and for some reason she seemed to think thanking Harry for bringing her a bit of joy on her last day would be the proper thing to do.

-We have deemed you worthy, young one-

Harry shook his head, the trance that the singing brought him made him imagine that she had actually had spoken to him.

A small laughter in her song was accompanied by the song of her companion. Never would Harry hear something more beautiful than a duet of phoenixes singing in perfect harmony. As their song grew stronger blue flames began dancing around their bodies. The phoenixes were passing, together, as one. Harry noticed that resting in between the phoenixes there was something. It seemed to be of a round oval shape, being consumed by the same fire that was killing the phoenixes. Slowly, though, the fire consuming the center stone began to change from the pale blue to a bright orange and yellow. A flash of bright light blinded Harry. The light itself seemed to intensify, seeping through Harry's eyelids. He felt as if he were flying without a broom. The feeling of elation had weaved through his body, and it came as soon as it was gone. A last thrill was heard and Harry could have sworn he knew what the phoenix had sung.

-Take care of her-

Once Harry's eyesight had recuperated, all that he could see left behind from the two majestic beasts was a small pile of ashes. Thinking it proper to place them inside an urn and bury it, Harry conjured one and went to scoop up the remains. He was scared out of his wits when he saw a slight movement in the middle of the ashes. A small beak broke from the surface followed by a pair of beady black eyes. A tiny featherless bird, looking more like a frozen chicken (well, a thawed chicken, but not bloody, um, you know the type) just stared at Harry, and sent out a high pitch thrill that seriously confounded Harry.

-Mama? Mama!-

It became obvious to our young wizard that the 'rock' that he had seen glowing had not been a rock but indeed an egg. From what he remembered from care of magical creatures, phoenixes didn't die to give birth to a new phoenix. The only thing required was a burning fire to create ashes out of the egg. If he recalled correctly though, no actual birth of a phoenix had been recorded in modern times. Looking up in his knowledge from Atlantis left our young hero's mouth agape. There were three ways a phoenix could be born. The first from the burning of one of its parent's or the placing of the phoenix egg in the middle of a man made fire. Such a birth was the more frequent type, and the phoenix was classified as a common phoenix. If the egg was charred by the fire of a dragon or salamander, the phoenix would be imbued with the magical protection of a dragon as well as the ability to breathe fire. Such a phoenix was called a draconian phoenix. The third type of phoenix was that created from the true death of one of its parents. The blue flames were supposed to be the hottest flames in existence, hotter than even the sun, instilling the phoenix with more power than could be imaginable. Such a creature was part of myths, even in the ancient times of Atlantis, but it was aptly classified as a regal or royal phoenix. Rumors had it that a regal phoenix could control all animals, even feeble minded humans.

Harry just shook his head. Why did this always happen to him? He had just wanted a pet, was that too much to ask for? Shrugging, he scooped up the little gal softly caressing her beak.

* * *

Harry couldn't help but smile at the odd picture this must present. A baby phoenix cuddled inside a pouch he had conjured, being carried by a young yet enthusiastic house elf. The elven creature seemed to want to prove to her master that she was worthy of being a servant despite her young age. Harry had left the house elf inside Moe Jr. while he finished his shopping spree, causing the poor elf to think that for some reason her master didn't trust her enough because of her youth. In reality, Harry hadn't purchased her because of his need for an elf, but because of the nagging voice of Hermione on the back of his mind not wanting him to let the poor being go with the seedy looking man. For now, it would be her responsibility to take care of Pheonix, or Nix for short. Harry trusted Eppy to do a good job, at least for a few days, until the phoenix wouldn't need any more diaper changes. Harry decided no time like the present to check out of the Cauldron and go back to his last day at Privet Drive, so he exited the trunk, shrunk it and headed downstairs.

The thought of it being the last time he would see the Dursley's made Harry do a little jig. He looked around and noticed that everybody was watching him. The ex-scarhead damned his timing. That damned Skeeter and her damned articles. If she hadn't posted all those pictures of him dancing during the Yule ball then the general population wouldn't recognize the way he danced. Because people weren't just looking at the weirdo who was dancing for no reason, they were looking at him because he was the boy-who-lived.

'I hate fame'

Waving his wand in the air like he just didn't care, Harry called up the Knight Bus. If it hadn't been for the previous day, the bus ride would have been inconsequential. But now that the veil had been lifted from Harry's innocent eyes, things had changed. The simple fact he glanced down would bring him nightmares that night (AN: as opposed to daymares during the day, I really dislike those personally). Ernie was wearing stilettos.

Shudder

Arriving at number 4 rather quickly, Harry was met by a raggedy pale looking werewolf.

'Weird,' Harry thought to himself 'the moon was new last night, no full moon for a while. I wonder if he just likes looking tired.'

"Harry! Where have you been, you had me very worried. The blood wards have stopped working because of your birthday. I checked them myself; they aren't even there any more. Where have you been? Why do you look different? Where is your scar?" The poor werewolf said without taking a breath.

"I've been in Diagon Alley, taking care of business and whatnot. Don't worry, it's all good. I've been under disguise, I didn't want others to recognize me, but I bet I can't fool your sense of smell." Harry said, smiling.

"Well, as long as you are alright. Remember that Bill's wedding is tonight. The robe you are wearing should be formal enough," said the werewolf appraisingly. "Nice robe by the way, a little dark for my tastes, but at least it's not orange and pink like the ones I saw George and Fred trying out this morning."

Harry and Remus chatted a little while longer, exchanging pleasantries. By the time Remus left, he was looking much better. When Harry entered the house, he was met by a very stern and angry looking Petunia Dursley. She obviously had been peering out the front window watching Harry hold a conversation on her front lawn with what appeared to be a homeless person. He had seen her aunt's left eye constantly twitch as it was now only once, when he was exactly eleven years old. This time though, Harry did not have a half giant around to protect him.

Punishing Harry had always been her husband's hobby. Even though she would be taking away from Vernon's personal fun, having the neighbors gossiping about their relations with a hobo had to be punished quickly and decisively.

She hit him where it hurt, pulling a hand from behind her back. His surprise was not short lived as Harry realized that not only she wasn't going to hit him but that she was holding in her hand a tall sleek glass which contained a frothy beverage.

Harry was instantly jealous. This would be the last time he'd be mistreated in this house. He pulled his wand from his pocket and fired a Petrificus Totalus at his aunt. With his seeker trained reflexes, he caught the smoothie before her aunt began to fall backwards. Harry released her from the curse just in time for her to realize that she was falling and couldn't stop herself from doing so. He took a sip and grinned at her. He would have also stuck his tongue out at her but he'd leave the more childish acts for later. Harry ran to his room after finishing the smoothie and began to pack.

What surprised Harry the most was the fact that he had been able to pack up everything he would ever need in less than twenty minutes, and that's just because of a 10 minute debate on whether or not he'd need to pack underwear. He decided that if the wards in his current boxers wore off for any reason, he could always just go commando. (AN Don't you just love leather pant incident foreshadowing?)

* * *

Trunk packed and ready to go, Harry knew he had to go say good bye to the first girl he had ever been intimate with. Harry realized in mid sigh that being a multi-billionaire playboy would never be easy.

The jog to the school was short. As Harry approached, Liz's face lit up. For being a girl that didn't want any kind of commitment, her affection and attachment towards Harry were rather obvious. As she saw Harry's eyes, her smile began to fade.

"We need to talk" Harry stated.

They excused themselves from the group of gossipy girls and began to stroll through the empty streets. Liz's forward and outgoing nature was subdued by her worries, and she waited for Harry to state whatever he was going to. Harry felt she deserved an explanation and decided no better way than to just tell her the truth.

"I am a wizard"

Whatever she had expecting, this had not been it. Dumbfound would be an understatement for her current state. Again, she waited for him to explain himself.

"I can do magic"

"Um, of course you can. We've kissed, remember?" Liz inserted, trying to bring a lighter side to the conversation.

"I have a magic wand. I wave it around and I can make stuff happen"

"Um, ok, I'll agree with that. But I'd prefer if you didn't wave it around in public"

Harry's frustration was building. Not really getting her innuendos, he reached inside his leithfold. Had he thought about the situation for a fraction of a second longer he would have realized that normal muggles don't really walk around with an oversized black coat covering them, and that adding that fact to the current conversation would only draw awkward conclusions from any muggle.

"Here, let me take it out so you can see it."

Liz licked her lips.

As luck would have it, Harry signature quick draw was more than a bit off that day. 'Great, if Voldermort wants to kill me all he has to do is send a pretty girl as an assassin.' He thought to himself. His face contorted to one of frustration could me misinterpreted, which was exactly the case with little Miss Elizabeth. As he finally got a hold of his wand, a smile played across his face. He jerked it out of his pants a bit too rapidly which made him loose his balance. Knees wobbly, he looked to Liz for support. As he reached for her, one hand still inside his jacket, the girl took a step back.

Bad move.

Harry, loosing completely his balance, fell forwards tumbling over Liz. Partially creeped out, partially turned on, the shock wore off and she realized that there was something pressing against the inside of her thigh. Her eyes bulged when she realized the length of his 'wand'.

"Harry!?!" Liz stated indignantly.

The fact that Harry's hand was still around his wand only meant that the position was even more compromising than what they were first lead to believe. The matter was resolved without much consequence, mainly for the sake of both crimson flustered teenagers (and to keep this story's rating low enough for this website). After Harry stood up and gave Liz a hand up, he finally was able to take out his wand, showing it to the cheerleader.

She just stared at the stick in his hand and looked at him expectantly.

"So… weren't you going to show me your wand?"

"Here it is"

"I'm ready for it baby, don't you worry about that."

"No, I mean it, here it is." He said waving the wand in front of her.

"Yeah, yeah, that's a nice stick and all, but you know I want to see your magic wand."

Harry cast a quick _lumos_, making his wand tip light up. Recovering from the momentary blindness, Liz looked at Harry slightly annoyed.

"Look here buster, if you don't' want to show me your magic wand, don't. For future reference, don't get a girl all excited without performing your end of the bargain you… you… you Tease! And one more thing, never ever shine that flashlight in my face again. Weren't you broke? I'd never seen a speech activated flashlight, were you lyi..."

Harry stopped her mid sentence putting a finger over her mouth.

"I didn't lie to you Liz, I was broke. It's not really related to the subject, but guess what? I won the lottery yesterday, figures huh? And as for what I was trying to say, I am a wizard. This here," he said waving his wand "is my magic wand. I can basically do anything I want with it. See that rock over there?" He asked. She nodded, waiting expectantly.

_Wingardium Leviosa._

Making a couple of movements with his wrist, the rock began to steadily elevate and come towards them. He proceeded to transfigure the rock in mid air into a rare orchid, which he handed over to the flabbergasted girl. She inhaled the sweet sent of the flower and her knees began to give out from underneath her. Harry reached out to steady her and looked deep into her eyes.

"You… you… didn't put a spell on me, did you?" she asked, more like a statement than a real question. "And yet, it feels as if you had. I've never felt this way for another person…"

Harry placed his finger over her mouth again and hugged her tightly. As they embraced, Harry began whispering into her ear.

"Which makes this even harder for me to say. I've only told you the very tip of the iceberg. Even in the wizarding world… Yes… there are others like me. Even in the wizarding world, I'm not normal. Right now there is a madman with the same ability to do whatever he wants, but he is using his magic for evil. He doesn't think muggles, I mean non-magical folk, or muggle born wizards deserve to live. He must be stopped, and I am the only one who can do so."

"So let me get this straight. There are real wizards out there, there is a crazy lunatic killing humans and the best the 'wizarding world' has to offer in defense is a male cheerleader?"

"Just about. The only other person who could have posed some resistance died about a month ago."

"Let me guess, he was a freckled five year old?"

"Actually I defeated Voldermort, that's the evil guy's name, when I was one. And for your information, Dumbledore lived to be over a hundred and fifty years of age"

"Was he senile?"

"A bit, but what's the point of that question?"

"Oh, nothing, it just seemed to fit the story better."

"It isn't just a story," a slightly frustrated Harry said moving his scar from his scalp back to his forehead "this scar here is the proof. I was hit with an Avada Kedavra when I was a year old, but the killing curse bounced back onto my attacker. Sadly, he had split his soul into seven pieces tying him to this realm. Once the curse hit him, it destroyed his body but he was able to continue living as a spirit for about 13 years before regaining a corporal form."

"Um, do you mind sparing me the details? I'm sure you are all excited about your ability to do magic, but I don't care much for that Abra Kadabra Alakazam stuff. Great, you can dispose with the laws of physics just as if they were used tissue papers, just another thing that makes me want you even more. With that said, I think I'd better learn more about you and your culture before you just bombard me with details."

Harry smiled for the fist time in a while. "That's also what I wanted to talk to you about. I am leaving. I have to embark on my quest to destroy the different pieces of the evil guy's soul. Can I write to you?"

"You are leaving? Just like that?" She asked pouting.

'Why must women be so cute when they pout?' Harry asked himself.

"Yes, in a couple of hours, and you didn't answer my question, can I write to you?"

"Why not just call me? You know my mobile"

"There won't be any phones where I'm going. And it's getting annoying you know, you are not answering my question."

"Fine, fine, you may write. But I won't promise I'll answer. I've never been able to keep a pen pal"

"This time, I think you'll find it a little bit different" Harry said with a knowing grin.

As Liz raised her eye brow, she noticed that Harry still hadn't let go of her. She also noticed that his wand was still lightly being gripped by his right hand. Most amusingly of all, she felt something protruding against her stomach.

"Um, Harry, I still would like to see your wand" She said licking her lips.

* * *

Harry's dislike for show and tell days while he was in elementary school dissipated after his latest exhibition. As he lay on his rickety small old bed for the last time, a huge smile crept onto his face. Everything packed, no loose ends, he was just bidding his time before leaving for the burrow. It was a place he had always thought a home would truly look and feel like, but now it wasn't exactly the place where he wanted to be. As much as he wanted to be just another teenager, he wasn't, and being happy about summer while playing around with his friends was something a normal teenager could do.

He shrunk his trunk, placed inside his pocket, and turned around at the doorway.

'Good bye room'

After taking a couple of steps, he looked back again and looked at the bathroom door.

'Good bye bathroom'

A few steps further, he saw his favorite picture of Duddley hanging from the wall. The corners of his lips curled up.

'Good bye Dudders, you always did look like a pig'

After walking down the stairs, he whipped his wand out and stupefied his dear-old-aunt.

'Good bye Aunt Petunia, may you have a headache when you wake up'

A little tear rolled down Harry's cheek, not of sadness but of happiness. This was the best day of his life. Yes, he could get revenge on them by having the whole house imbued with magic; by making the paintings move, by having the dishes wash themselves whenever dirty, or by having the doors creek to something sounding remarkably close to "Harry is the best". Yes, he could do all this but it would never make him as happy as the fact that he would never have to see them again.

With that in mind, Harry remembered something. He'd still be happy about leaving whether or not he had his revenge. Wand in hand, Harry began tapping it against the dinning room table.

"One, two, three, four,

Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

Put 'em together and what have you got

Bibibiddi-bobbidi-boo"

Harry continued humming, keeping the rhythm with his wand. Like a conductor with his baton, he began to animate almost every single piece of furniture he got his sight on. The household appliances began to make noises that harmoniously went along with his humming. When Harry was happy with how everything was moving, he sealed all the enchantments with a verbal password. Everything would appear to be normal until someone in the house said the word "Freaks", and everything would return to normal upon the password "Magic."

Our young wizard had thought about making it "Harry is the best" but he decided against it because he didn't want to appear to have an inflated ego. He had already changed all the pictures on the wall so that whenever Petunia was by herself Dudley would step out of the frames. To torment his dear aunt further, Harry would step in. Most of the time, the photograph would stick its tongue out at his aunt or do some other rude gesture.

The last complex incantation he did brought forth most of his knowledge of old magic. Imbuing the house with a mixture of blood magic, he made sure that this piece of charm work would follow Petunia and her husband for the rest of their lives. From this point on, any smoothie made by either would taste like beets with cottage cheese. Once they grew accustomed to the flavor, new combinations would arise, such as gummy bears and anchovies.

Nobody would ever suspect Harry because most of the magic he used actually needed someone more competent than Dumbledore ever was to do his thing. Since Dumbledore was dead, and he had not done the charms, nobody could have done them, meaning the charms did not exist.

Without looking back any more, Harry stepped out of that horrid suburban house for the last time and called for the Knight bus. He would seriously need to learn how to aparate soon.

* * *

Upon reaching Ottery St. Catchpole, Harry was met by two imposing looking wizards. The pair seemed to be related to both Crabbe and Goyle or maybe even Hagrid due to their imposing height. Trying to walk past them to get to the burrow proved to be a fruitless attempt and they drew their wands at the young wizard.

"Name?" One of the wizards asked, taking out a piece of parchment.

"Potter, Harry Potter"

"You must be joking right, you aren't Harry Potter"

"What makes you think that?" asked Harry.

"Well, for one, he's got that scar on his forehead"

"So, all it would take for someone to impersonate me would be to have a scar? What kind of security are you?" said the slightly ticked off teen.

"I'm sorry, but you are going to have to go back the way you came. We don't want a problem here now do we?" said Guard #2, poking poor Harry with his wand.

Frustrated, Harry turned around and began walking. Making sure the security guards weren't looking, he quickly hid behind a tree and brought his scar out for the world to see. Making no other changes, Harry walked back towards the burrow.

"Hello Mr. Potter," the guard with the list said marking him down on his piece of parchment.

"Everything ok out here?"

"Funny you asked, but a man just came trying to impersonate you. Luckily we found him out and sent him packing. Hope you have a nice night." The guard said, letting Harry through.

'Fucker' Harry mumbled to himself as he walked in through the front door. It would take years of therapy for Guard #1 to overcome the fact that he come out of the closet that night. Guard # 2 got over it rather quickly, even asking for seconds, further traumatizing Guard # 1.

* * *

As soon as he walked into the house, all he heard was a shriek followed by a flurry of blonde hair running towards him.

"Hawy!"

As the soft female voice finished reverberating from the walls, he was tackled down by an enveloping flying hug, better known as a glomp.

"Hello Gabrielle…" as they separate Harry was left flabbergasted. "Wow, you are looking great."

The younger girl blushed, only slightly tinting her porcelain skin. When Harry had first met her, he'd thought she was only about 8 or maybe 9 but now here she stood looking twice as old.

"How…I thought…" Harry tried to put his observations into words, but was left mumbling much like Ron would in front of Fleur.

"Oh, vouz meanz my apeawance? I zought eet waz common knowledge zat veelas matuwed diffewently as nowmal humanz."

"Ok, how old are you then?"

Grinning sheeplessly, the cute blonde just answered "Old enough mon Hawy. Old enough"

(AN did I forget to mention that this story is AU? Though really, all fan fiction is AU, even if you try to make it cannon… unless you copy the text word by word… rather tedious and boring if you ask me)

After the small scene break, to give the writer time to get some refreshments, Harry met up with the rest, first of witch (get it? get it? I crack myself up some times) was sweet little Ginny. Harry knew upon looking at her that he didn't love her any more, but decided to deal with that later. After exchanging glances with the youngest Weasley, he moved on to meet up with the rest of the family. The twins, seeing Harry, made a bee-line towards him.

"Is this who I think it is?"

"I believe so my dear brother"

"It's the one"

"The only"

"The famous"

"The generous"

"Harry Potter" they both said in unison.

"Looking fancy Harry, nice coat"

Harry smiled, looking at their fluorescent mix matching outfits "I would say the same, but I doubt you'd catch me dead wearing that"

"You just couldn't pull it off old chap. By the by, what is this I hear of you breaking our youngest sister's heart?"

"Yes, we are very disappointed with you on that one."

"It's not what you think you guys; originally it was supposed to be until I dealt with Voldermort."

"But now…?" One of the twins induced for him to continue.

"I just know I don't love her. I feel as if I never really had, which is very weird. For the longest time I couldn't do anything but think about her, then one day I stopped. Hm… Actually, that's basically how it started too, all I remember is one day looking at her and… Bam! What had I been missing? Am I wrong for toying with her feelings like that?"

The masters of mischief looked at each other with small frowns forming on their brows. Sadly, Harry misinterpreted it as an act of hostility towards his bachelorism. Inching away, he decided to go have a chat with someone else. He excused himself and left the twins just standing there, frowning in deep thought.

'I just hope they don't prank me too badly' thought Harry to himself.

Harry finally found his two best friends sitting in one corner. Hermione looked murderous while Ron… just looked to be salivating. Not salivating in a way that a dog does with his tongue sticking out, but more like drooling, with his mouth agape and a blank look of adoration about his face. Harry couldn't help but laugh at what was causing such a reaction.

"Hiya Hermione, hi Ron." Harry said approaching them.

Hermione looked over at Ron before jumping Harry, giving him a huge hug. Noting the lack of reaction on the part of the redhead, Hermione proceeded to grope Harry's buttocks. Harrumphing Hermione let go of Harry when she realized that Ron hadn't even blinked.

"Sorry Harry. Hi by the way. He's been like that for three days now." Hermione said, looking back at Ron.

"Is he going to be ok?" asked Harry.

"I read up on veelas and found out that they only affect the feeble minded. Apparently there is no such thing as part veela's when it comes to their powers of seduction. Even if your great great great great… you get the point… grandmother was a veela, it means you will have the same effect on men as all veelas do. The more veelas around, the more potent their magic is." Hermione stated, mumbling something else.

"What was that last bit" Harry asked.

"Oh, nothing, just that, um, they only affect the testosterone of the feeble minded."

"But he's so good at chess" Harry said, as if to say that people who can immerse themselves on the board game, strategizing twenty moves in advanced wouldn't what he considers to be 'feeble minded.'

"Well, according to K.J. Howlin, famous brain-picker and researcher, the worlds biggest idiots can also be very good strategists."

"That makes so much sense now" Harry mentioned, thinking back to a white tomb. "Is there any way to bring him out of his stupor?"

Hermione looked a little ashamed but nodded. She proceeded to climb on top of Ron, sitting on his lap as if she were going to ride a horse. She wrapped her arms around him and began kissing him passionately as she began to rotate her hips back and forth.

Harry heard Charlie, the second oldest of the Weasley offspring, chuckling behind him. The redhead leaned forward and whispered into Harry's ear "The twins put her up to it, telling her that was the only known way. What she doesn't know is that Ron broke out of his trance the first time she did it. I think this is number twenty six now."

Looking over at Ron, Harry had to suppress his laughter when he saw the youngest Weasley male winking at him 'To each his own.'

When they separated, Ron stood up trying to flatten the wrinkles of his dress robe. He stretched his hand towards his best mate and pulled him into a one arm hug. "Please don't say anything to her, I'm still trying to get her back for calling me stupid" he whispered. Suppressing another burst of laughter, Harry nodded.

"Everything alright Harry?" Ron asked.

"Never better." Harry dismissed the sense of dejavu and carried on to tell his friends about the normal aspects of his Holidays so far. He didn't want to keep secrets from them but he thought that for now they didn't need to know. Their minds were not trained against legimency and he needed every bit of advantage he could ask for. All throughout Hermione seemed to be looking at him weird, staring onto his robes. She was doing it so obviously that even Ron noticed. Having a little less tact than most, he obviously stated the obvious.

"Nice dress robes Harry, those aren't the same robes you had for the Yule ball were they?"

"Nope, I actually got them at Nocturn Alley"

Hermione went into hysterics, berating him for going where he shouldn't and buying something that was giving off such a dark/cold feeling. This reassured his stance on not telling them more than he had to. She'd probably say that origami folding was a dark art. After the long winded nag, people started to gather towards the back of the house. Following the hoards, the golden trio moved in unison. Ron leaned towards Harry's ear and whispered "I thought it looked cool" as softly as he could.

It surprised Harry to see so many people there. As far as he could tell every member of the order was present, as well as every member of the Weasley family. Even Percy had decided to show up, and contrary to past dealings, he seemed to actually be enjoying himself. Well, for an uptight pencil pusher that is. All the blondes he didn't recognized Harry decided to categorize as French part veela's, of which there must have been at least fifty. Harry wondered why they didn't have any effect on him, but decided to jot it down as another unknown in his life.

Among the people keeping watch along the perimeter, Harry spotted a very agitated metamorphmagus. What caught his attention, and the attention of everybody else present, had been the distraught yells that he could hear clearly from the other side of the property. The recipient of her scolding was none other than the last Marauder, Remus Lupin.

"I'm fucking tired Remus, do you understand? I am fucking tired of having to prove my love for you every fucking second. I thought you had finally gotten it through your big fucking head but that's obviously not the case."

Remus seemed to be mumbling something to Tonks, trying to calm her down, but she didn't seem to be placated.

"Don't you understand that I love you?" Tonks continued yelling. "I am an auror with a steady income, I can be as fucking hot as you want me to be, and most importantly I am head over heels for you. I don't care that you are almost twice as old as I am, or that you look like you should be on welfare.

"I don't care that you are a werewolf and can't get a job because of it. I don't care that you don't have wolfsbane anymore. So what if you're impossible to be around once a month, so am I! Maybe we could even make them coincide and then I wouldn't even have to worry about the wolf because I'd rip him to shreds anyways.

"I don't even care that you have a two inch penis and that you use enhancing charms, but I do care that you treat me like shit. I know I'm too good for you, but don't you think that was my decision? I'm tired of having to put up with you being so distant. You've made love to me over the past month a grand total of once… Once… and that's when I tied you up while you were asleep. I'm tired of this bullshit Remus. I think …"

Her voice lowered and she began to cry. Looking downwards, she began to walk away from the blank-faced werewolf. Among the crowd watching, one very interested Percy Weasley seemed to have been paying a lot of attention to the words that were just said. The ex-perfect prefect continued to look at Remus and a small grin appeared on his face. Harry could have sworn that Percy's eyes were full of lust and desire

Shudder

* * *

As the whole congregation gathered outside, a man dressed completely in pink robes raised his hands. There was a piece of red cloth wrapped around his face which was impairing his view completely and white bands of cloth were wrapped around his fluorescent pink robe's arms and chest.

The man wouldn't have invoked that much attention from the wizards and witches, they were used to odd clothing styles on older men after all. No, what attracted the most attention towards him was the fact that thousands of little bells had been sewed onto each of the white bands.

Clingelingelingelingeling

"Oh goody, now that I have everyone's attention, may I ask that all the gorgeous men stand to the right, and all you hussies to the left. That includes you too missy! Yeah, you, the one with the red eyes and the runny makeup and the sniffling. So what if another girl got this hunk of a man" Said the most annoying voice anyone had ever heard, winking at Bill "Come along, we don't have all day. My name is Malcolm; I'll be your priest for the next few hours."

Half of those gathered groaned, the other half would have as well if they hadn't been wearing earplugs. The next four hours passed painfully slowly. The priest, if you could call him that, went on rants not related with the ceremony that took up over ninety percent of the time. All the while, he was positioning some crystals here, some potions there, hitting on the best man, hitting on Harry… you get the point.

After all the symbols had been placed precisely where they should be, the priest finally shut up. He raised his hands and began murmuring an incantation. Out of the middle of those gathered, a white dementor began to rise from the ground. Nobody but Harry seemed to find it in the least bit weird. This dementor, if you could call him that, didn't seem to suck out the happiness from the congregation as a normal dementor would have. If anything, people seemed to be happier, though the only reason Harry could have attributed it to was the current state of peace and silence. It glided towards the engaged couple, following the lead of the priest and Harry heard a whisper

"Ahhhh yeshh… truee soulmatesss… you hhhhaaave my blesssingsss" And with that the dementor began to suck in air. Harry could see, with a little bit of panic mind you, that both Fleur and Bill seemed to be standing in their sleep. A small white ball of energy began floating out of Bill's mouth simultaneously as one began floating out of Fleur's. They met midair causing a big flash of light and then returned to their respectful bodies.

"Now youuu hhhhhave a bit of eachhh othhhher withhhin"

And with that the ceremony concluded. Harry was left a bit confused on how quick the actual ceremonial part was, and then realized that the priest was most probably getting paid by the hour.

As everybody broke up into their own little groups, Harry approached the white dementor that had glided itself to the bar and was 'drinking' a glass of wine. When dementor noticed Harry, he bowed, saying something that sounded a lot like 'my lord' though it could have been 'my Ford' though it disturbed Harry that the dementor would drive a sub-par American vehicle.

"Is it just me or can everybody hear you?" Harry asked

"One mussst only lihsten in ohrder to hhhear"

"I've never seen a white dementor before. Are you only for weddings? Are there yellow dementors for little kid's birthdays and red dementors for sexual rituals?"

"Nohh my lord, ohnly whhhite because I ahm the hhighest of all. I ghet to chhooose what color I behh. Pink wass taken thoughhh" said the dementor sadly.

Harry was rescued from trying to cheer up a sad dementor by none other but the girl he had been avoiding all night.

"Was that a dementor you were speaking to?" Asked the young redhead.

"Yeah, a bit depressed, though being a dementor, who wouldn't?" responded Harry trying to just keep the conversation light.

"You know umbraspeak?"

"Oh, no, please tell me I know yet another creepy language"

"Looks that way…" Said Ginny, taking a short pause "Harry, what's the matter, why have you been giving me the slip? Didn't you take the potion I sent you?"

"No offense Gin, but I didn't feel like drinking a botched potion. I've made before and know it's not supposed to look red. Thanks though, I know it's the intention that counts."

Ginny looked a bit pale, one could even say shifty. Her stammering reduced into silence, and she simply walked away. Harry felt bad for having hurt her feelings but at least he didn't die from potion poisoning.

Seeing that they were currently alone, Harry went towards the bride and groom and gave them a set of keys along with a piece of parchment.

"What's this Harry?" asked Bill surprised

"Your wedding present, congratulations you two, I hope you enjoy having a little chateau in the southern coast of France, close to Monaco." Harry said with a small smile "I hope you don't mind it being beachfront, seeing how it's on a famous nude beach and all, but I hope you make use of it."

At that Bill went completely giddy and Fleur just raised an eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that missy; I know you enjoy your veela powers. Only an exhibitionist would. Now you have a place where to safely let your full powers flow without really raising any suspicion, seeing how most guys who go to nude beaches are pervs anyway. You get your own fun, and your new hubbie gets eye candy."

They both smiled and Harry went towards the house, deciding to call it a night. He, however, was ambushed by a very beautiful young blonde, who simply pushed him into a closet and closed the door behind them.

"Oh Gabrielle!"

* * *

Elsewhere, a very ticked off dark lord kept crucio-ing his followers.

"How dare you come back here without that brat! Crucio! I told you to do your research! Crucio! You should have known that the person you were trying to imitate had three pimples on his right butt cheek, not four! Damn security checkups! Crucio! And you, why are you wearing a pirate costume instead of your honorable Death Eater uniform?"

Trembling and twitching, the pirate Death Eater answered very softly "They ran out of the pointy headed cloaks at the costume shop, master"

"I shall see to that then."

The Death eaters sighed in relief as their master strode towards the door. Before exiting though, he turned around and crucio-ed them again for good measure.

* * *

**AN:** I'd say sorry for the long delay but… It took as long as it needed to. I got stuck so many times I am just glad I was able to work through it. For those of you who like this story, good. Know that I won't abandon it; it just might take a while. Please review; every time I read a review I get a bit of incentive to continue writing, even when I'm stuck. For those of you waiting for the main pairing, I am at liberty to say that it won't happen for a while, but… by the time it does our little Harry will have a harem. Lily would be so proud of his virile young son. Just remember… Sing with me now! Just keep reading, Just keep reading, Just keep reading reading reading.

Btw, for whoever thought that the name of the chapter meant that there would be some descriptive actions of two people making love, I only have one word for you.

Perv!

**

* * *

Omake**

"Ginny, I'm sorry, but I can't live my life without you. You are the wind beneath my wings. You are the water of my sea. You are my spring breath of rebirth and renewal. You are perfect for me and I will do everything you ever want just to make you happy. Just take me back and I am yours"

Just then, her alarm went off waking the redhead up.


	7. Black Coffee

**AN: **To re-view means to revisit the viewing into my soul. If you want a happy author, reviewing is the best way to achieve it…

I'm so full of crap sometimes ^_^

* * *

**Chapter Sieben Sieben Ailulu**

**Black Coffee**

**

* * *

**

The blindingly bright orange that caught Harry's eyes as he woke could only mean that he had slept in Ron's room last night. A warm body was pressing ever so slightly against the side of his hips and chest. Harry felt the silky curls of hair draped over his arm. Not wanting to move, Harry Potter just laid there, smiling and remembering the events of the night before. He closed his eyes, wondering if it had all just been a dream he still hadn't woken from.

'Dream?… dream… dream!'

Harry remembered. There had been a 'dream' last night. He was too comfortable to move, therefore unable to jot it down in his diary, but there had been another instance of astral apparition. He had been in Atlantis again, nothing major, but he was finally able to learn how to aparate and how to have more control over his astral aparition. As far as he knew, he was the only person that could cross the wards into Atlantis. The ancient protective shields were set up so that people could aparate within the city but not in or out of it. The only other thing he learned while he was there was how to cook an omelet… without cracking any eggs… while breathing under water. This was a bit useless but informative nonetheless.

He was slightly startled when the body against him began stirring. Nothing had happened. Contrary to what many wishful readers might be thinking, Harry was still a virgin. He was a virgin that had done his fair share of curious exploration, especially in locker rooms, but still a virgin nonetheless. Last night Gabrielle had ambushed him into a snogging session that did not end until the wee hours of the morning. Nothing more happened. Get your head out of the gutter people! Where was I… oh yeah! Harry began thanking the fates, wondering not for the first time this summer if the prophecy was flawed.

Harry wasn't sure that he was ready to get into another relationship quite yet. With the weight of the world on his shoulders, having a girlfriend just seemed… rather pointless. A girlfriend in the best of situations would be a distraction and in the worst of situations would be a distraction. With that said, it was quite comfortable to have Gabrielle by his side right now. Something about that nubile body contorting to his firmer body appealed to the young wizard. Harry decided he would not commit himself, not to anyone, not yet, though he would not refuse to have a friend by his side to fill that void, that lonely lonely void. 'Friends could definitely come with benefits' he thought to himself.

Harry almost jumped up when he felt a slender soft hand caressing his rather awake little (well, not so little) wizard.

"B'njour" mumbled a very sleepy Gabrielle without even opening her eyes. Her breathing became more even after a few minutes, Harry was sure that she had fallen asleep again. Defying common sense, he pried himself from the beautiful fully clothed fat donkey with herpes and a pink bow on top. How about that for a mental image? Pervs!

The young wizard sat up on the bed. Harry's mind eventually returned to last night's dream. The council had been sure that he was the only person alive that could aparate through the wards, even if it was only through astral apparition. They had warned him to be careful, for he was now their only hope at ever resurfacing. The council had warned him that even though he could not be physically hurt while he was astral aparating; if he ever lost the connection, his body would be nothing more than an empty shell. They were quite confident that he could aparate to Atlantis without a problem, but preferred if he practiced aparating a little more before trying to physically aparate through some of the most complex wards ever devised.

Harry was broken out of his musings by a small yelp. He looked up and made eye contact with Ginny at the doorway. She looked quite taken aback, but Harry thought that it should not be surprising seeing how there was a very beautiful girl resting next to him. Looking closer, he noticed that Ginny had something in her hand. It looked like a vial full of something red…

"So, my suspicions were right."

Ginny paled, trying to hide the bottle behind her a little too late "What do you mean Harry?"

Harry disappeared with an almost silent pop, only to reappear by Ginny's side. He took her hand and side-along-aparated her into her room.

"I thought we'd need a bit of privacy for what I am about to ask. How long have you been slipping me love potions?"

Ginny looked in the verge of tears. Even with the potion he had broken up with her and now… now she would never be Harry's girl.

"I love you Harry… Don't interrupt me… I love you, I always have… I feel as if I am supposed to be yours for ever. At first I thought it was weird that I should feel the way I did, having a crush on someone I hadn't even met. But I did, I had a crush on the boy-who-lived, then I saw you on the train station, and my life changed. I couldn't eat or sleep without thinking or dreaming about you. I found out later, after years of pining over you, that my wonderful twin brothers had been testing me for some of their potions, more specifically love potions, and that's when I gave up on us. I started dating other people and then I got the chance to really get to know you, and you know what? You were better than I had ever dreamed of while I was under the influence. That's when I knew I had to have you, that we were soul mates. I decided that if it had worked for me to notice you in a more romantic way, then it could work on you until the day you opened your eyes and fell for me too"

"You still didn't answer my question, how long?"

"It has only been about a year, since the beginning of last school year." Ginny replied. It truly was amazing how interesting the grates and wrinkles on the old wooden floor seemed to be for her at the moment. Not that she'd look up and admit it, mind you.

"Ginny, I do care for you, I would be terribly stupid to say I didn't but I know that I don't love you. Not like that anyway." He tried saying it with the utmost care to avoid hurting her, but she needed to know the truth. Estranging himself from the Weasley family was about the last thing he wanted right now. "Honestly I cannot say that nothing would have ever spawned between us. What on earth made you think that drugging me would be the right choice though?"

In tears, Ginny just stood there. Without answering, he turned on his heels and left the room. Harry assumed she'd be in her room for the rest of the day. Why did he have to be born with this gift? Was turning girls into watery fountains the power the dark lord knew not? Harry somehow doubted it.

His attention shifted to the prone feminine figure that was sitting in front of him. His feet had carried him back to Ron's room and Gabrielle was wide awake, looking up at him.

"Bonjour mon petite" Harry said, bringing a smile to the girl's face

"Je ne savait pas que vous parlé Français" (AN: pardon my crude usage of the 'Language of Love', I speak German, Italian, Portuguese, Spanish, English, and I'm learning Mandarin and Japanese right now. French, outside of kitchen terms, eludes me)

"Wha? Sorry, I don't speak French; I just know how to say good morning and my little one"

"That is alright mon cour. I can non say I blame 'er though."

It took a couple of seconds for Harry to realize that that the French jailbait had listened to the whole conversation.

"What gives her the right to drug me, to influence what I feel?"

"Tut tut, 'tis not about that, 'tis about love. She loves you, Oui?" Harry nodded "All's fair, non?"

"No! I'm not about to go and give Voldermort a love potion just to end a war" *shudder* "That idealistic phrase is nothing but an excuse to try to get away with petty nasty plans during both war and love"

"Mon 'Arry, vouz cannot control someone's 'eart. Even with the potions, Ginny would 'ave stopped eventually, 'oping to see if she 'ad gained your true love. Don't be too 'ard on her."

"What? Wait one minute, why are you… I thought you wanted to be with me."

Getting up from bed, Gabrielle just gave Harry a smirk. "Well, 'Arry, she is very pretty, don't vouz thinks? Besides, I am too young for a seriouz 'elationship. The more the merrier, non?"

With that, she exited the room with a spring in her step. She left behind a young wizard with a very very hard wand. Olivander had once told him that he'd never be too good at transfigurations because of the size and rigidity of his wand… Yup, all wizards are pervs.

When Harry made his way down the stairs, he found the biggest mess he had come across in his short life. Everybody had left last night with the last stragglers leaving just after sunrise. Everybody had left… behind a huge mess. Mrs. Weasley wasn't even bothering moving the nine inch heels off the counter or the coconut massage oil from the cutting board as she trudged on cooking breakfast.

Sitting around what once was the dining room table were seven people engaged in light conversation, two of whom Harry only recognized by sight from last night's wedding. The newcomers sat flanking Gabrielle on either side. Seeing the similarities, Harry assumed that they were Gabrielle and Fleur's parents. The rest, redheaded all, were rather easy to remember. Playing it safe, he addressed the people he knew first.

"Good morning Mr. Weasley… Charlie… Twins… I don't believe we've had the pleasure Mr…?"

"Delacour, Boyet Delacour. Some gall vouz have, sleeping with my daughter" the man said in a very threatening tone.

Harry paled.

Ok, he didn't just pale, he was panicking. He'd rather face anyone else at this moment… maybe not Voldermort, but that was only because he hadn't gotten rid of that mental image… the one involving Voldermort and love potions… *shudder*

The lack of color and just brainlessness were displayed clearly on his face, and it took Harry a few seconds to re-boot his brain and notice that the woman sitting next to Gabrielle was covering her mouth with her hand. The next second, an explosion of laughter exploded around Harry and he seriously knew he'd just missed out on a great joke. If only he knew what it was.

A few seconds after the laugher began to die down Harry's amazing grasp for timing kicked in and he began laughing himself just to notice that everybody was just looking at him now. It was now Harry's turn to examine the architectural wonders of the aged wooden floors found at the Burrow. There was in particular a very interesting contraption laying on said floor that Harry would later learn was called a strap-on bra. What would wizards think of next?

"Do non mind mon 'usband. Je suis Fagina Delacour. Enchante. Vouz can call me Gia."

Looking up, Harry stared at the most beautiful MILF he had ever laid his eyes on. If people weren't already staring at him, he might have just howled.

"It's a pleasure on meeting you both, Mr. and Mrs. Delacour" Harry nodded, extending polite greetings without looking at the woman's ample yet firm bosoms that seemed to want to escape from their current confinement and be tasted by…. Shaking his head clear, Harry decided to keep the conversation alive even though it had been obvious to every single person sitting what exactly the young wizard had been doing for the past forty or so seconds. Drool was now accepted to be catalogued as evidence in most wizard courts.

"So, where are Ron and Hermione?" Harry asked around the table. He knew for a fact that Ron hadn't slept in his room the previous night. Considering that Ron's snores had once woken up people in the Ravenclaw tower… while he was sleeping in his room…with silencing wards on and around his bed… placed by Dumbledore… Harry decided to look at it as a blessing in disguise.

Charlie chuckled a little bit and smiled. "Last I saw them they were skinny dipping in the lake. I don't know how Ron did it, but he managed to convince Herms of a more permanent way of getting rid of the Veela effects."

Everybody around chuckled, even Mdm. Gia. Gabrielle looked a bit flushed. She admitted to corroborating the information when Hermione asked. That brought a new round of chuckles from the group.

Mr. Weasley looked at Harry, and with a very fatherly look tried to change the topic. Seriously, who wants to have mental images of 17 year olds skinny dipping? I seriously hope none of you pervs do.

"So, Harry, what do you have planned for today?"

"I was hoping to go back to headquarters, it's been a year and I think I can handle saying good bye now"

"Well, if you need any help or company, just let me know." Mr. Weasley said, smiling sadly.

"Thank you Mr. Weasley, but I think I can handle this one."

Without a warning, plates came zooming into the dining room, and started hovering above the mess called table. With a swish of Arthur's wand, most of the trash was banished off to the side, not without a pair of undergarments first hitting each and every person sitting around the table. Amazing how it didn't miss a single person. If anyone other than Mr. Weasley had done the banishing, Harry would have assumed that this was done on purpose, but Mr. Weasley would never do something like that. Not the father of Fred and George… Would he?

After breakfast, Harry stood up and walked to his and Ron's bedroom. Following close behind was the young blonde beauty.

"Do vouz mind if I come with today?" Gabrielle asked. "I 'ave non been around England much, moi would non mind spending the day with vouz, non?"

After a few double takes at all the negatives, Harry finally deducted that the hot French girl wanted to come with him today. The most important part was that she wanted to come with him. Ron and Hermione had always been his sidekicks. Oh well, time to move on… At least this way he would make sure that those he cared about the most would not get hurt… but if that is the case, then wasn't he putting what counts as a complete stranger in harms way?

"Just making sure you know, I have a lot of people following me. They want to kill me. Anyone who is with me is in harms way. Are you sure that you want to do that?"

" 'Arry, vouz really know 'ow to turn a girl on." Harry assumed that she was kidding, but the fact she was licking her lips and looking at him hungrily changed his mind. Either she was turned on by him being in constant danger or she was a cannibal. Either way, she would be fine… Him on the other side… he would probably have to sleep with an eye open, just in case. But he was planning on doing that anyways, so… no harm on bringing her.

"Ok, you can come, but no screaming like a little girl at the first sign of danger"

"I thought vouz liked me acting like a little girl" Gabrielle said with a sweet smile, hugging him tightly. "Non worries mon cour, 'twill be me making vouz scream."

Yup, she's definitely a cannibal. No worries… no worries at all.

"I am coming too" Harry heard a female voice from the doorway. Ginny was standing there. After seeing his reaction, she added. "We need to rebuild our friendship, and if you are right about your mortality then we might not have time later."

What is it with girls and eavesdropping anyways? Harry sighed and knew he was caught. Her reasoning looked solid and after being told off like she was earlier, there was no way that she could still think she had a chance. Nope, none at all.

"Fine, but you have to get permission from your parents" Harry mentioned thinking that she'd never get her mum to agree.

"Oooh, ok!" She sprinted off downstairs, and less than thirty seconds later trotted back up. With a grin, she told Harry "My dad said I could go."

Harry grumbled, knowing that she had found a loophole to his wording. Not really feeling like arguing, he nodded to them both and went downstairs. He had everything already packed and shrunk, neatly tucked away in his pocket. He found himself in front of the fireplace; he lit it with a wave of his wand and threw some floo powder. Once the flames turned green, he stepped in and motioned for Gabrielle to come with him. The location was under Fidelius after all, so she'd have to side-floo with either him or Ginny. That thought brought on a boost to his under used teenage male hormones.

"Number 12, Grimauld Place" He whispered with confidence. Suddenly, he was falling through a vortex of light and shadows, with entire world spinning around him and a good looking half vela wrapped around him. After they landed on their final destination, Harry began falling over before regaining some stability. He was extremely satisfied with himself. For the first time in his life he had not fallen over after coming out of the fireplace. His elation had come a little too soon, for he found himself splayed on the ground with two girls on top of him shortly thereafter. Perhaps it would have been wise to be elated and move out of the way at the same time.

"Ginny, I thought I said we could only be friends" He mentioned tersely, quite annoyed that his bum was being groped.

With an apologetic blush, Ginny removed her hand from Harry's firm right buttock. After he cleared his throat, Gabrielle removed her own hand from Harry's left buttock with a small pout.

Looking around the place, Harry sighed. He had not been here in over a year. Over a year since his godfather had died. Over a year since he had seen Voldemort last. Over a year since the prophecy had been placed on his shoulders by his now deceased mentor. It had also been over a year since he had seen Kreacher last. Thinking about Kreacher brought back even more unhappy memories. But among those memories he also had memories of the old house elf trying to hide some of the trinkets that they had thought about trashing. Kreacher always disappeared down into the basement, mumbling away. Maybe there would be something of Sirius' down there.

With a little bit of hope, he made his way to the basement with the two silent girls in tow. Harry was oblivious to the fact they were shooting icy glares at each other. He was only thinking about the possibility of finding something that would allow him to remember and always have his late godfather with him.

Rummaging through piles of silver snake chandeliers and family crests, Harry's heart skipped a beat when he noticed something he had not been expecting to find here.

"R.A.B." He whispered to himself… remembering that Sirius' younger brother… 'No, it can't be this easy, can it?' Harry thought to himself.

"What's the matter Harry?"

Harry's slender fingers reached for the silver locket, almost touching it. He could feel the foul wrongness of the item. It reeked of black magic. Without even starting to look for them, Harry had found a Horrocrux. The one Dumbledore had risked and given his life to get. R.A.B must have been Regulus Black.

Running upstairs, Harry's suspicions were confirmed when he entered the library with the family tree. Regulus Arcturus Black, born in 1961 - died in 1979. Counting with his fingers, Harry proclaimed in an amazed whisper "He must have gotten the locket even before I was born." Yes, my dear readers, wizards suck at math.

Turning around he saw the two young women at the door, looking at him slightly worried. He flashed them a smile and held the locket up. "One down"

Both girls looked completely confused, so Harry approached them. "I am going to need for you to make a wizarding oath that what I am about to tell you won't ever be divulged to anybody else in any way shape or form. It is not because of trust, even though I don't really have a reason to do so with either of you at the moment, but because in my readings I've found out that neither legimency or truth serums can pry away information protected by a wizard's or in your case a witches oath."

They both nodded and gave it to him.

If I find out that any readers were too gutter inclined and understood something completely perverted out of the innocent last sentence… I'll do nothing. I'm too cheap to travel wherever you are but… I'll glare at you mentally… I'll glare at you a lot… You are being glared at!

"I, Ginevra Molly Weasley, swear on my life and magic that I will not divulge Harry James Potter's secrets regarding what he is about to inform us. I also would like to add that I promise never ever ever ever ever to drug him with a love potion again, unless he directly asks me to. So mote it be"

"Moi, Gabrielle Pettite-Fagina DeLacour, swears on my life and magic what the dumb read'ead just promised to, 'cept for the love potion. Non, non the love potion, those can be fun. Perhaps I should swear that I will not use love potions for an extended period of time… Two weeks at a time tops… unless the sex is too good. Then I do not think 'e would mind. Um, where was moi? Oh, oui… So mote it be."

Knowing that was probably a headache in the making, Harry acknowledged both of their promises and closed the unbreakable bow "So mote it be"

A bright flash engulfed them. He felt cold and dizzy for a second before he felt the connection between with the girls. This was a magical connection that tied their promise to him. No need to stress it, do I? Smiling, Harry proceeded to tell them all his secrets, sparing none.

For the first time in his life he felt like he could trust someone to just listen and hear every single detail of his very screwed up life. He hated having have been in the dark for so long. Having no-one to share his secrets with was almost as bad as being in the dark. Hermione and Ron… well, they were Ron and Hermione. He knew he could trust them, but they would voice their opinions on everything, thinking that they had a steak in his personal life. They were great, but when the moment came it would be him, Harry-fucking-Potter who would need to pull the proverbial trigger.

These two girls though… Well, they just listened. They nodded in the right places, gasped when they were required to and even provided comfort for hi when the tougher moments came. Harry was not a pansy, but he was still human.

When Harry finished his story, he felt as if a giant load had been taken off his shoulders… Now that he came to think about it, why was his torso naked and why were light soft hands running around the contours of his muscles? Grabbing the shirt up and putting it back on, despite protest, he decided to continue looking around the house to see if there was anything else.

If Regulus was as smart as Sirius had been, well, then Harry would have to start from scratch. But in the off chance that the smart genes had not skipped a whole generation, he hoped that there might be more.

Who knows, Regulus could have found the cup as well, or what the last item was. After searching all day with the help of the girls, all he had come across had been books and notes from his dogfather. Nothing from Sirius' brother.

On the plus side, he had found the notes on how the marauders had made the map, and according to their notes, one could map anything and everything with just a combination of spells: one spell to seek out the plans of a building, using magic to find even the most hidden of places; another spell to record it on paper; a third spell to record movement ; a fourth spell to indicate the names of those within; a fifth spell to record whether or not the person was female, hot, and wanting; and a combination of 307 spells to protect the parchment from damage, specially from one "Snivellus" Snape.

Deciding to try it out, Harry began casting the spells he had never even heard of or tried on a piece of parchment he got from his now un-shrunken trunk. Magic was coming much easier to him now, not that he had noticed, but it was nice to note for any reader that might have thought so. You aren't alone in this, but fear not, nothing will be explained later.

Harry found himself with a piece of parchment that correctly depicted all 4 floors of Grimauld place (attic included). What intrigued him most were the number of rooms that he did not know were originally there.

"Hey… what's the meaning of this?" A tiny yet arrogant voice spoke up from the parchment. "El Pollo Loco" the parchment said. Now Harry did not know a painting could use the passwords themselves… but apparently they could. He saw the painted figure of Apollo and remembered that back in chapter three he had created the little guy.

"Hey Apollo, sorry about that. I didn't mean to use your piece of parchment; it was just the first one I found."

Apollo looked at his new background… and began looking at it with interest. He turned and gave Harry a pretty mad look. "I was having a nice conversation with the painting of a beautiful witch. I almost had closed the deal with her when I was pulled back into my parchment. Now I don't know what you did, but I find myself stuck within the paintings in this house. You better remedy that, and do it quick"

Trying to access his library of knowledge, he looked for ways to expand his painting's access. He was dumfounded when he found nothing. After thinking a bit more, he figured he would be able to expand the reach of the map…. And maybe then Apollo would be able to access other paintings.

While Harry thought, the girls amused themselves by talking to Harry's drawing. They found him so cute, and of course Apollo just loved the attention.

Five minutes later, after Harry had cast a number of different charms… the piece of parchment looked the same. Yet Apollo seemed to be a lot happier.

"Thank you Harry! Before I felt as if I could reach any painting in England, but now I feel… even more wonderful. I am sure that I could visit paintings in Australia if I wanted to."

The girls chuckled a bit while it made Harry wonder… how was that possible? All he could still see in the piece of parchment was #12 Grimauld Place. He then thought about what the spells the marauders had used.

Duh!

No wonder, the marauders had built in a scale for them to be able to see the actual architecture. That meant… That meant that the parchment in front of him… had all the architectural information… of the world. Mouth agape, Harry thought about how to change it so that he would be able to see more.

Five minutes later, he had set up a comprehensive system that would allow him to just name the address and it would show him the architecture of said location. He even added a "go to" command that gave him directions on how to get somewhere in particular. This information was limited by him having to specifically know where he wanted to look. Unplotable and hidden locations required him to know where those locations were… or for him to be at said location. One of the commands allowed him to draw the architecture of whichever building he was at.

"Hey Apollo, there are quite a few rooms here that are hidden. Do you know if they have a password?" Harry asked.

The passwords to each room that was hidden appeared before his eyes. This new, completely invented by accident, Global Positioning Parchment would come in very very handy.

"Now Harry, you handsome boy, I am off. I have to go see about a witch" With that, Apollo left the parchment, leaving behind the complete architectural drawings of #12… passwords and all. All the passwords for the rooms seemed to be the same.

"Toujours Pur" Harry read out loud.

Gabrielle looked at him dead in the eye and teased, "Non all wayz mon cour, non alwayz"

Harry looked down at the map again and noticed she was right; one of the passwords was different. Not that it was her intent, for she couldn't really read from the angle she was at. She was trying to make a pass at him. How else can I spell it out for you? He said 'always pure' in French to which she replied that would not always be the case. She was trying to imply that though he was a virgin, it would not last for long. Hence the not always. If she had her way, she would have probably proved it right then and there. Sigh… readers are really thick sometimes… Try to keep up will you?

Harry decided it would be best to check all the hidden rooms. The girls, like good puppy dogs, followed. In front of a wall, in between the second and third heads of long deceased house elves, Harry read the password.

"Moldy-shorts can suck my dick"

To which a phallic shaped door appeared. Have I mentioned how all wizards are perves? Really, Harry did not want to grab that door "knob." The light moan that came as he turned the handle scarred Harry for life, yet again.

Inside, he found a room decorated in green and silver. There was a large ornate silver mirror and a heavy wooden desk to the left of the door. To the right: a four post bed. Obviously and masterfully hand carved from a single piece of deep mahogany, it had an extremely and intricately detailed head board. The visage on it was true to its Indian influences. Mosaics and geometric shapes encircling and creating the backdrop for sculptures depicting more sexual positions than any one person could ever imagine. The bed was the work of art from which the Kama sutra had been inspired.

True story.

The curtains seemed like pure, sheer, green leafs, adorning the sexually themed trunks. The room gave off this perfect vibe in terms of magical feng shui.

Well… that is if you don't take into account that the room was a complete mess and there were papers, notes, and maps scattered all over the place. Resting on the heavy desk, there was a notebook that stood out. There was nothing special about the notebook, nothing at all. Leather bound and wrapped with a thin ribbon, in any other setting it would have been easy to miss. But in this room, amongst the chaos of paper and parchments thrown about, the notebook was uniquely tidy. It was perfectly placed in the center of the table, with nothing within a 9 inch radius of it.

Stepping carefully over the mess, Harry approached the desk. It was instantly obvious why this notebook stood out.

"Damn! It's warded" Harry yelped. He had just received a low shock as he had tried to touch it. The pain had started exactly as his hand got within 9 inches of the notebook. Trust me, the average wizard knows within an eighth of an inch how big 9 inches are.

Pervs!

Gabrielle, immediately reached for Harry's hand, and began kissing his fingertips. "Mon cour, you have a boob-oo? Let moi kiss it better"

Harry could have sworn he heard Ginny mumble something that sounded an awful lot like "I could kiss it much better than that." But there is no way Ginny would have said something so mean, no matter how much Gabrielle was glaring at her at the moment.

It was weird. He had always seen Ginny as a happy-go-lucky girl, but lately she was acting a lot like a total witch. Almost as if the writer of this story did not know how to understand the intricate character that was Ginevra Weasley, and copped out by making her into a stereotype. Well, either that or Ginny was pissed for some unknown reason. Harry began to wondering if the talk he had with her in the morning had not been enough.

'Nah, I'm sure she's cool.' He thought to himself.

Back to the notebook… Harry tried to look at it introspectively, like he had back at Privet Drive. He noticed that there was a bubble glowing slightly pink around the notebook. The bubble seemed to go all the way around it, which meant that the ward was not located on the table but on the notebook itself, but there had to be something about the desk that allowed it to be touched by the notebook. Else it would be floating up in the air.

Using this logic, Harry thought introspectively towards the desk and was amazed/slightly grossed out to see that it had white stains.

"Blood Warded, but it's different than what Dumbledore put on my aunt's house… either that or the wards are all but gone."

Taking this into consideration meant that it was probably not Sirius' notebook. Granted, the décor of the room might suggest so, but then again, all wizards were perverts. Given how blood wards tend to last 17 years, give or take five years depending on how much love there was in between the genetic material… it meant that this was probably Regulus' room. If so, the only way for the wards to still be up would be because they had never been triggered.

Harry's string of assumptions were corroborated as the pink bubble around the notebook began to fail and dissipated into nothingness within seconds.

He reached for the notebook. Ginny tried to stop him, but she failed to get to him before his fingers wrapped around the leather bound book. It looked an awful lot like an old diary…

* * *

It turned out to be that it had indeed been a diary, Regulus' to be precise. It had not been enchanted beyond the ward, so nothing to fear there. It did contain an awful lot of information, not only general about Voldermort and his followers, but also about petty little details such as how Voldermort liked his coffee (black) and how he liked his magic (black) and who he raped most often…

No wonder Regulus escaped and turned his back on Voldermort.

This also explained how Regulus had come to know of the existence of the Horocruxi. People say the weirdest things in the throbs of passion. Apparently Voldie could only get off if the person he was dominating kept reminding him how "immortal and powerful" he was. Thankfully he was the size of a tootsie roll, so… no real harm done other than mental scars that followed Regulus until the day he died. Nothing too bad.

The diary also contained detailed information on the measures Voldermort had gone to secure the items. It was going to be harder than Harry originally thought. Not only had Moldy Shorts hidden the items in remote/obscure places, but he had also hidden one of them in time.

Sighing, Harry whispered a couple of spells that packed and organized the different maps and notes in neat little piles. A second set of spells labeled the piles: 'South America', 'Europe', 'North America', 'Asia', 'Africa', and last but not least 'Oceania.'

This was definitely going to take a while.

The two girls just sat on the bed, waiting for Harry to speak. Ginny was more than happy to wait all eternity for Harry to actually interact with them, but Gabrielle was beginning to get a little bored.

"'arry, mon cour, vouz are non being a very 'ospitable 'ost. It is obvious you have a lot to do, but it can all wait 'till tomorrow. I asked mon parents for permission before leaving, and they agreed to let me come wit' you for as many days as I wish." Gabrielle said with an air of confidence. "Now, it is getting late. Could we per'aps, go to sleep and worry about tis 'morrow morning?"

Harry looked from Gabrielle to Ginny, and noticed that the little redhead was yet again admiring the architecture of the floor boards while shifting her feet. He knew why. She wanted to stay, but she had not asked. Rather than getting an earful for kidnapping the Weasley's only daughter, and knowing that Molly would indeed notice her disappearance, Harry diplomatically told her.

"If you want to stay Ginny, you need parental permission, from your mother this time."

Ginny looked slightly abashed… as if someone had just taken her favorite toy. Then, she brightened up in a split second. Looking up, she threw Harry a smile before bolting for the nearest fireplace. Harry heard her yell "The Burrow" and saw her disappear in a flash of green light. Not five minutes had passed before he saw the fireplace burst into a flash of green again. Through the fire, the youngest Weasley stepped forth with a trunk in tow.

"My mum said I could come, seeing how she had to keep an eye on Ron and Hermione and… well, she wanted me to keep an eye on you two. She somehow got this idea in her head that poor harry would not be able to take care of himself properly, especially if a veela was around him clouding his judgment. I'll tell you something, had Ron not chosen the mention of the word veela as a perfect moment to go catatonic again I probably would not have come back as quickly as I did" Ginny said with an impish grin.

Finding himself stuck with two fairly beautiful… ok, that's an understatement… Exceedingly gorgeous young women, for once in his life Harry Potter wondered what in the world he had done to deserve such a unique life.

* * *

**AN:**I won't apologize for it could really not be helped that the chapter took as long as it did. There where key elements of the story that needed to be said… and I never seemed to have the right wording.

Thank you all for being so patient, and for keeping up with my story. I once made a promise never to abandon it and I am keeping to my word. I will not abandon it, it just might take some more time than I originally planned.

Just add me to your alerts if you like it, and leave a comment if you want something in particular in the story. This is a harebrained combination of one-shots that I have gotten over the years reading HP FF. If you have some input, it is always always welcomed.

* * *

Omake

"Hermione, are you sure that I have to wear this… hemlet thing?" Ron asked indignant

"I read on a book that you have to wear protection, so you are wearing as much protection as I can possibly think of."


End file.
